Suicide

Death - when someone dies, it's tough. But what if that person, close to you, chooses suicide as the way to go? We are often wracked with guilt, ashamed to talk openly and questioning why we didn't see it coming. Suicide is often called the selfish death because of the impact on those left behind.

Countries are introducing various forms of medically assisted death (euthenasia or  suicide) for those suffering previous and irremediable illnesses. Mental illness technically is included but the chance of it being permitted is low, as suffering only from a mental illness is typically excluded as is the case in Canada. Thus, for those with mental health conditions that resist treatment, medically assisted death is not an option.

Consider the case of a person with treatment resistant depression. They've tried it all and nothing gets better. They see no hope and life without hope is a tough struggle. Suicide becomes the best option from their perspective.

Many religions and societies condemn suicide creating the impossible choice - live with the pain or die in condemnation.

So what you may say, does this have to do with meditation? A lot. Meditation is a place of healing for those who have lost someone to suicide. It is a place to find their own lives as worthwhile and not limited by the emotional ties to the now deceased person. It is the moral, ethical view that causes death by suicide to be seen as wrong compared to many other forms of death. Regardless of the method, the person is gone. It is this truth that requires acknowledgment and acceptance. Suicide creates ambiguous loss (because of second guessing what might have been done to prevent it) but loss none the less. Feel the loss in meditation, be honest with yourself and grant permission to love and let go.

Meditation is also the place to know the pain that the deceased suffered. For most, suicide is not a sudden choice but one that has been contemplated over time. It gets ruled in as an option as more and more choices for improvement get ruled out.

In meditation, we become familiar with and honest with what we feel including the anger, resentment, grief and emptiness while seeking our path forward just in this moment. Understanding suicide is to reach across the divide between the self and the other to know their pain was beyond what they could now tolerate. It was not typically a selfish act but one of desperation in the face of un-relentless pain.

The Suicide

He died by suicide
Slipping into death
By pills squirrelled away
They all said, "How sad"
The eulogy lamented his passing
Really I thought
Grieve his life not his death
For living was all pain
Each moment wracked with sorrow
Dying was not wrong
Living was
Those who have stood at that precipice
Know the tipping point
Sometimes letting go
Spiralling down is right

© Peter Choate, 2017

The effect of suicide on health and social work practitioners

A death by suicide is hard on those left behind. That's been said multiple times with a focus on family and friends. What about those who have worked with the person in places like addiction centers and mental health clinics? What about the child protection worker who has lost a child to suicide on their caseload? 

For those who had worked with the now deceased, there is true mourning. None of us have gone into this work with the idea that suicide would be the outcome on a case - we knew intellectually that it would happen, but we are not truly ready for it. Even those who have had several suicides on their caseloads (and some of us work in areas where that is highly probable) that doesn't make it easier. Unfortunately, in the higher risk areas, we can try to normalize suicide as an unfortunate outcome that sometimes happens. In doing so, we minimize the outcome on our own humanity.

Vicarious trauma in our work is real! It is cumulative as well as episodic. We think we are getting over it, we numb, we minimize, we deny. Suicide is one of those outcomes where we can also begin to ask, "Is there something I might have done?" Typically, the answer is no, but the question is often there.

Compassion and empathy are needed for the self in these cases. This is more than the typical self care stuff - although that is important - this is about the permission for true grieving of a suicide by a client. You too have the right to feel loss and grief - certainly its different than family or close friends - but it is valid.

In meditation, the goal here is to face the reality of your emotions, being present and  observe them. This does not meaning that you get stuck in them, but rather observe, acknowledged and listen to the internal dialogue. In this same process, you may acknowledge fears but don't miss observing your humanity and your strength. We are a balance of emotions and realities that all deserve our self compassion and empathy as do our clients. 

Gone

Life is gone

at the end of the rope

it has vacated this earth

I would know how

but never why

there was no note

no explanation

He had tricked us

he smiled

played

joined in

said the gloom was lifting

The morning came

he was not up

he had not gone to bed

the search was fruitless

he had run away

again 

Evening he was found

at the end of the rope

death was certain

more than he had gone

wind bellowed 

through the hole

now within my inner being

His pain has now shrivelled

mine has exploded

I stare at the rope

I feel the strands

Grab the knot

and do the only thing possible

I collapse pounding the floor

asking to rewrite history

My life has gone black

© Peter Choate, 2016