Ego versus altruism

"We are doing it this way, that's how I want it to be." It seems that, in various ways, this has become the theme song of our days. Greed, possessions, power and untethered disparity are written about in the news daily - if not multiple times per day.

Lying by politicians and others in power has become so common that it is trite to note the lying. The worry is that we have become so inured by lying that we sort of dismiss it, make jokes or let it slide by. Powerful liars don't seem to mind being caught. There is the "post truth" era; "alternative facts" and so on. Truth is becoming a value of rapidly diminishing worth.

Fake news even hits the supposed bastion of truth. Academia is struggling with this, not so much in the way of fraud, as exaggeration of results. It is only with sensational results or breakthroughs that many can find their way into top tier journals. Academia is also being plagued by fake or predatory journals.

Recent research has reaffirmed that children caught in bitter divorce and custody battles suffer long term emotional damage. Yet, courts are clogged with these protracted, bitter disputes.

As societies we honour the rich and profit. How many photos of any particular celebrity can be consumed in a day? Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Snapchat, Facebook are full of them as are other forms of media.

Why you might ask, does this matter to meditation. Well, philosophers from as far back as the Greeks, have been debating ego versus altruism. In ego, we allow the personal wants and desires to matter over any other need, even if it negatively impacts another. If ego were the only true emotion, then altruism could not exist as we would not care about others. If altruism were the only, then we would not care about the self. Only the other would matter.  For healthy positioning, we balance the two.

The imbalance in society and self leads to harm. Too much ego and pollution, destruction and wanton consumption takes over. Too much altruism, then the self gets ignored and the strength of care weakens. The self is destroyed.

Meditation allows us to find the balance. Care of self and care of others. Knowing within self where each of these emotions lies becomes our way of being in society. It also helps to step away from the significant egoist imbalances that seem to be so predominant at the this time.

Care transmitted

She walks into the room
Each night the ritual is performed
There her son lies
For the last time

Love exists but now shared
Upon waking he will prepare
To honour another love
Marriage

Weeks go by
She walks into the room
He must be well
The bed is empty

One day the bed is gone
She still walks in
Sure he will not be there
Does he look like the memory she holds

He returns one night
Baby in hand
Newly minted life
He talks of checking each night

© Peter Choate 2017   

Owning it!

I was sitting in a park recently when two kids had a spat. Their mother came over to intervene when one shouted that the other had mad her mad. How often have you heard that? In the current political environment, it would not be long before you can hear someone suggest that Trump (or some other politician) makes them so mad.

There are lots of reasons to be mad at Trump (and a load of other political, social and economic leaders). The point is, of course, that the anger is yours and mine. Other people do not own our emotional states - only we do. In society today, there seems to be a reduction in ownership for emotional states and the reactions connected to them.

“But feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.”  Anne Franke

Owning our own emotions matters as it is also a way to manage our ego. Ego is, in many real ways, the avoidance of our emotions as it is about believing that what we think we want is all that matters. We can see this in many kinds of relationships where there is a lack of mutuality. Think of the difference in the expressions - "I feel that some time with you over a cup of coffee" - versus - "have coffee with me I need to talk." One is owning what you would like and requesting it, the other is demanding because the ego wants it. This becomes very obvious in dominating, abusive relationships where the ego of one is that matters.

When the ego takes over, we detach from the emotional expression of self and the emotional needs of others. This is when how another is affected by your behaviour becomes unimportant or small. The role of the other person becomes not about what is good for them or even both of you, only what you want matters even at the expense of the other person. There becomes no choice between what the ego wants and what the other person feels or needs - the ego must always win out.

“The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.”  - John O'Donohue 

The ego out of control is the abuser in action.

When we allow ego to dominate, we lose sight of relationship, our place in the world and the obligation we have to own the impact we have on others. You may not agree with these statements but reflect upon the role of ego (I am right) versus the role of relationship (We both have needs):

• Don't you dare spend that money unless I've told you it's ok!
• If people want health care, get a job!
• The Indian Residential Schools don't matter - they occurred long ago, just get over it!
• Alcoholics are weak and they just need to stop drinking!
• You aren't working out hard enough because you don't have the abs!

I'm willing to bet that you can add a dozen more statements like this with ease. Not only does ego drive this thinking but so also is a lack of compassion. It is very hard to care for another if your belief is that what you need is all that matters.

Meditation is a place to nurture compassion and come to realize that all you do is linked to outcomes for others. When its "all about me" then it is "not about the other".  Can you feel that in meditation and own it?

"The square root of I is I" - Nabokov 

The ego of one or the place of compassion amongst many?

Mine

Walking amongst the Jasmine
I smell the perfume
It brings treasured memories
The aroma is mine

I place my face into the blossom
Breathe deeply
Hold the essence in my nostrils
It is all mine

Walking away I take it with me
Reminiscing about past connections
Surely I can hold on to this
And share it with no-one


 © Peter Choate 2017

You are perfect!

If you are told that you are perfect the way you are, would you be like most people and identify a variety of reasons why that is not true? I certainly do! Yet, many Buddhist teachers explain that you are exactly what you are meant to be at any particular moment. Perfect - even with the supposed flaws. This just seems like a circular argument but wait - it's not. We are meant to have imperfections, flaws (e.g. humanness) and what is going on at any given moment is the way it is meant to be.

That is a very difficult position for most of us to take. This is really so given that our society is full of images, sayings and stories about the various imperfections that we carry around. How many of these can you identify with:

• not smart enough
• not tall enough
• not pretty enough
• don't have the six pack
• can't lift heavy weights
• don't have the right clothes
• don't have a good enough job
• my kids aren't achieving what other people's kids are
• my house isn't decorated, big, located in all the right ways
• I don't live in the right neighbourhood
• I didn't go to the right college

If you look inside what might you see?

These are all themes related to how wrong we are in some way and therefore not deserving of acceptance or recognition by others. Even worse, we are not deserving of acceptance by our own selves. To use a popular phrase, all of the above (and many more) are alternative facts. You really are who you are meant to be.

Does this mean we don't work for change. No. What it does mean is that you will never be perfect as an imperfect society describes that. You are who you are meant to be and that can be the biggest change you need to make - acceptance.

People who have the material goods, the six pack, the clothes - are not happier because of those things. They may well have way more ego as a result of defining success that way -  but that is not happiness.

Meditation is learning to see the self and coming to accept it.

This also does not mean that social action is unnecessary. To the contrary, social action is about the material realities of people who are being persecuted, tormented, beaten, isolated, started and so on. You might notice how much social action matters when you come to accept self and no longer need to boost your own ego or position through judgment of others.

This is hard work. It is easy to fall into the trap of self judgment and self denigration. Not only will you pay a price for this, but so will others whom you judge. Judgment is the action of the self onto others as a way of trying to minimize the impact of self judgment - feeling better at the expense of the other. Meditation is the antidote to permit knowing the self and coming to see you are perfect at the moment.

The other

I am fat

You are fatter

I am unhappy

You are miserable

I can't life 180

You can only lift 159

My car is old

Yours is older

I bought my shoes at The Bay

You must have bought yours second hand

No matter what my problem

Yours is worse

Why do I  not feel better?

Can I see the beauty in you

if the beauty in me is opaque?

© Peter Choate 2017