Owning it!

I was sitting in a park recently when two kids had a spat. Their mother came over to intervene when one shouted that the other had mad her mad. How often have you heard that? In the current political environment, it would not be long before you can hear someone suggest that Trump (or some other politician) makes them so mad.

There are lots of reasons to be mad at Trump (and a load of other political, social and economic leaders). The point is, of course, that the anger is yours and mine. Other people do not own our emotional states - only we do. In society today, there seems to be a reduction in ownership for emotional states and the reactions connected to them.

“But feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.”  Anne Franke

Owning our own emotions matters as it is also a way to manage our ego. Ego is, in many real ways, the avoidance of our emotions as it is about believing that what we think we want is all that matters. We can see this in many kinds of relationships where there is a lack of mutuality. Think of the difference in the expressions - "I feel that some time with you over a cup of coffee" - versus - "have coffee with me I need to talk." One is owning what you would like and requesting it, the other is demanding because the ego wants it. This becomes very obvious in dominating, abusive relationships where the ego of one is that matters.

When the ego takes over, we detach from the emotional expression of self and the emotional needs of others. This is when how another is affected by your behaviour becomes unimportant or small. The role of the other person becomes not about what is good for them or even both of you, only what you want matters even at the expense of the other person. There becomes no choice between what the ego wants and what the other person feels or needs - the ego must always win out.

“The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.”  - John O'Donohue 

The ego out of control is the abuser in action.

When we allow ego to dominate, we lose sight of relationship, our place in the world and the obligation we have to own the impact we have on others. You may not agree with these statements but reflect upon the role of ego (I am right) versus the role of relationship (We both have needs):

• Don't you dare spend that money unless I've told you it's ok!
• If people want health care, get a job!
• The Indian Residential Schools don't matter - they occurred long ago, just get over it!
• Alcoholics are weak and they just need to stop drinking!
• You aren't working out hard enough because you don't have the abs!

I'm willing to bet that you can add a dozen more statements like this with ease. Not only does ego drive this thinking but so also is a lack of compassion. It is very hard to care for another if your belief is that what you need is all that matters.

Meditation is a place to nurture compassion and come to realize that all you do is linked to outcomes for others. When its "all about me" then it is "not about the other".  Can you feel that in meditation and own it?

"The square root of I is I" - Nabokov 

The ego of one or the place of compassion amongst many?

Mine

Walking amongst the Jasmine
I smell the perfume
It brings treasured memories
The aroma is mine

I place my face into the blossom
Breathe deeply
Hold the essence in my nostrils
It is all mine

Walking away I take it with me
Reminiscing about past connections
Surely I can hold on to this
And share it with no-one


 © Peter Choate 2017