Violence and meditation are mutually exclusive but...

Violence comes in many forms - physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, financial. Those who perpetrate violence often do so from having been victims themselves which might include direct or indirect methods. A good example of the latter is being a witness to violence such as parents in violent relationships or, as seen in the flood of refugees, witnessing the crimes and destruction of war.

Not all victims of violence become violent but the trend is strongly there. Men are more likely to perpetrate on women as a result of their own experiences and women are more likely to be victims as adults.

Another important form of insult is the withholding of love, care and attention. When a parent refuses or is incapable of giving these things to a child, it creates of state of emotional deprivation. Feeling important might be made up when another adult offers it - such as a relative or a teacher, coach or even the parents of the child's friend. But rejection from those who are supposed to nurture you is felt deeply.

Betrayal is a wound that impacts identity: I'm not worthy; I'm not meant to be loved; I am a horrible person. These wounds are also powerfully linked to physical and mental health disorders. The Adverse Childhood Experiences study has demonstrated this.

For those who have experienced violence, one of the common emotions is powerlessness and the inability to be in control of self. Violence takes control of one's existence away. Victims know that the other people are able to be in charge in a moment. They dictate what is acceptable!

Recovery from these kinds of traumas involves therapy, ceremony, support, changing language to such words as survivor and the use of techniques that help to manage and control emotions. Meditation is one such technique - it is part of the recovery toolbox.

Meditation should not be done as the sole recovery tool. In meditation, strong emotions and memories can arise. We learn to observe rather than react. At the same time, we typically need supports to help with processing what may arise. Meditation allows us to step back and no longer be the actor in the story of the violence.

A simple tragedy

She cowers in the corner
Nightly
Listening
Alert

She knows the sound of the punch
Whack
Thud
Unmistakable

She hates the yelling
Booming
Crude
Insulting

She protects her little brother
Crying
Clinging
Bowed

She pushed the bed against the door
Protecting
Defending
Hoping

She sings to her brother
Pretending
Hiding
Denying

She gets up the next morning
Tiptoeing
Cleaning
Vigilant

She prepares her brother
Caring
Loving
Supporting

She takes them both to school
Happy
Connected
Safe

She leaves the grade four classroom
Slowly
Tense
Timid

She takes her brother home
Lonely
Fearful
Angry

She plays her part in the family tragedy
Hopeless
Isolated
Pained

© Peter Choate, 2016

Being the Silent Witness

Social workers witness trauma - and - quite specifically - the legacy of trauma. This is the detritus that we witness on a regular basis. The trauma is bad enough in many cases but the clean up can tae years. As we have been seeing on a regular basis in the news, victims of sexual assault rarely report the crime. When they do, conviction rates are low.

Here in Canada, we have been watching a judge being "tried" to determine if he will keep his job. He made inappropriate comments in a sexual assault case illustrating a failure to understand the crime. I'm sure you can quickly think of dozens of sexual assaults that have been handled poorly by justice systems in various places around the globe.

Other forms of inter personal violence are also typically under reported.

As social workers (along with other front line responders) we become witnesses to the impacts of the trauma. It is particularly hard when victims lack the voice to be heard. It is also sad when the justice systems fail to respond and protect victims. When we see these failures, we can feel as though we might own the failure as our clients turn to us trying to understand. We often lack explanations.

These cases tend to haunt us. Many front line workers tell the story of the case where someone dies as a result of systemic failures. It happens. In truth, most of the cases where a child dies, people forget that it was not the social worker who killed the child but a caretaker. Even so, we bear the scars.

In meditation, there is an opportunity to develop compassion for not only the victim but also the perpetrator who, themselves, are typically victims as well. They bear the burdens of their own traumas which they live out in their emotional and physical violence, creating another generation of traumas. Compassion is not a free pass - it is understanding in a way that helps us to see the vulnerable, hurt person who is also the perpetrator. When we find the compassion, we carry less hurt within ourselves.

Yes, there are some perpetrators who make compassion hard. The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer reminds us that "compassion is the basis of morality." It is also the foundation which separates us from those who would be violent. It is that fine line that matters.

Silent Witness

There it is

Not a word will be spoken

A story will be told

It is one for which every effort will be made to withhold

It is a story that must be told

And cannot be withheld

If the reader truly seeks 

to find it

Looking down I see the need

Crouching

I come to look into the eyes

Not a word is needed

I see eyes that are too old

For such a child

Eyes that stare

Refusing to yield

These are the eyes that have witnessed

I move ever so slightly

The eyes fixate

The body tenses

The story is now told

It is not ready to be spoken

I have become the truth holder

Until the child can find voice

If ever

© Peter Choate, 2016