In yesterdays blog we looked at the notion of attachment. So let's expand upon that - looking at attachment in intimate relationships. We fall in love with a person. But what is that we fall in love with? Is it an ideal of someone? Is it the fantasy of the perfect person?
In a relationship, can we see the person for who they are as they are at the moment? Can we allow the person to be different as they change from moment to moment; day to day; month to month? Can we accept that the person we are in love with will never be the person we fell in love with?
A healthy relationship requires that we recognize our partner will always be different, evolving and changing but so will we. We must create room for this always changing reality while still respecting and loving the person. It almost seems contradictory.
Otherwise, we require the partner to always be the person we fell in love with. In a sense, we recognize that is not possible but still want it. We resist aging, for example, in ourselves so then also in our partner. Certainly we live in a society where that is encouraged - forever young! But that is not truth - change is inevitable and necessary so accepting change in our partner is essential.
That won't be easy. Remember, that all major religions and spiritualities talk about pain. In Buddhism, the First Noble Truth tells us that there will always be suffering. In a relationship, if we want to offer ongoing love we must adapt and that won't be easy at times. We may not like the person in certain moments. This is where impermanence comes into the equation. Rather than become attached to the behaviour that is occurring, recognize that impermanence means it will change as long as we don't try to hold on.
There is uncertainty in relationships and that too we are required to accept.
An Australian Buddhist monk, Ajahn Brahm, asks us to separate out the person from the behaviours. When we do that, we can see the person as distinct and not the behaviours of the moment. This is not to give permission for disrespectful behaviours such as an affair, as relationships are reciprocal.
Thus, in a loving relationship we seek not to judge but accept and have that work both ways.
A complication arises when we want to judge the person based upon external attributes such as beauty, wealth or other material yard sticks. We do this out of discomfort with ourselves requiring external validation of our value. We project onto our partner expectations that they must support that bolstering of our value by presenting in a way that makes us look good.
This makes relationships very hard work indeed but success comes from within rather than looking to the other for validation. It also means we cannot "own" or "control" the other person as they are their own being as are we.
In meditation, we reflect upon the relationship we have with ourselves and then offer, moment by moment, the real self. As the character Richard from Texas in the movie Eat, Pray, Love says, "you gotta do the work!"
In a relationship, can we see the person for who they are as they are at the moment? Can we allow the person to be different as they change from moment to moment; day to day; month to month? Can we accept that the person we are in love with will never be the person we fell in love with?
A healthy relationship requires that we recognize our partner will always be different, evolving and changing but so will we. We must create room for this always changing reality while still respecting and loving the person. It almost seems contradictory.
Otherwise, we require the partner to always be the person we fell in love with. In a sense, we recognize that is not possible but still want it. We resist aging, for example, in ourselves so then also in our partner. Certainly we live in a society where that is encouraged - forever young! But that is not truth - change is inevitable and necessary so accepting change in our partner is essential.
That won't be easy. Remember, that all major religions and spiritualities talk about pain. In Buddhism, the First Noble Truth tells us that there will always be suffering. In a relationship, if we want to offer ongoing love we must adapt and that won't be easy at times. We may not like the person in certain moments. This is where impermanence comes into the equation. Rather than become attached to the behaviour that is occurring, recognize that impermanence means it will change as long as we don't try to hold on.
There is uncertainty in relationships and that too we are required to accept.
An Australian Buddhist monk, Ajahn Brahm, asks us to separate out the person from the behaviours. When we do that, we can see the person as distinct and not the behaviours of the moment. This is not to give permission for disrespectful behaviours such as an affair, as relationships are reciprocal.
Thus, in a loving relationship we seek not to judge but accept and have that work both ways.
A complication arises when we want to judge the person based upon external attributes such as beauty, wealth or other material yard sticks. We do this out of discomfort with ourselves requiring external validation of our value. We project onto our partner expectations that they must support that bolstering of our value by presenting in a way that makes us look good.
This makes relationships very hard work indeed but success comes from within rather than looking to the other for validation. It also means we cannot "own" or "control" the other person as they are their own being as are we.
In meditation, we reflect upon the relationship we have with ourselves and then offer, moment by moment, the real self. As the character Richard from Texas in the movie Eat, Pray, Love says, "you gotta do the work!"
"Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" - Buddha
If we walk without attachment we do not know where the path takes us
© Peter Choate 2016
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