The power of being with the "other" this coming Canada Day

Growing up, I was different. Sports did not really interest me despite attending a school where sports seemed central to everything - particularly basketball and football. There was room for wrestling, boxing and track and field but they were the second tier sports. A bicycle fascinated me but nobody saw that as being in any way connected to sports. I was also something of what would now be called, a "geek". Literature was a great place to be as it transformed me to other worlds and experiences. Fact is, I enjoyed reading and still do.

At home, there was often conversation about politics. There were some teachers at school where social action was a focus (not many, but some). The Catholic school I attended spoke about Biblical calls to action where the "less fortunate" deserved support. At the time, it was strictly a charitable works model but it instilled in me that there is a deep inequality in society.

I saw politics as the route where society could be changed. I was naive. I thought that government was a tool where society sought to make life for all better. At times that seemed true as Canada brought in things like universal health care, unemployment insurance and maternity leave. I really departed from both my family and religious script when it came to reproductive rights. At no time then or now did it make sense to me that society had a right to force a women through an unwanted pregnancy nor into a sexual, familial or intimate relationship where her needs were not equal. In retrospect, my views then (way back in the 60's) would still look misogynistic today. My view of politics then was more optimistic than it is today but I remain hopeful that there are many politicians still in Canada who are willing to try and make life better for all. When I say this, I am accused of optimistic naiveté - perhaps so.

I have an anger that must be tempered, however. Injustice has been as inherent in the nature of Canada as much as justice has been. The legacy of our treatment of Aboriginal peoples is atrocious and continues to be this very day.

Other blights include the Chinese Head Tax, internment of Japanese in WWII, refusal to take Jewish refugees in WWII era and the denial of entry to refugees on the Kogamata Maru. Today, if you are Black or Aboriginal, you have a much higher chance of encounters with police in Canada.

I grew up white, privileged and educated. I did not know Canada's legacy with racism and thought that moniker belonged to the USA with their legacy of racism. I was wrong then and I must be part of the solution now. Given my social position, for example, the Calls to Action of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission are for all Canadians - particularly for non-Aboriginal Canadians to change the social and legalistic structures of Canada that sustain oppression.

What you may say, has this to do with meditation. In my view - everything. When we oppress groups of people we create "others" who we can then stigmatize and separate. Meditation is a place to see how you relate to those that occupy this planet with you. It is where compassion can be found both for yourself and your co-travellers in life's journey. What we think and feel connects to action that either sustains or diminishes oppression - there is no neutral ground. In meditation, we connect to the origin of our beliefs, thoughts, actions and impact.

This coming weekend, in Canada we will celebrate the 150th Anniversary of Confederation - Canada Day. To borrow from Hemingway, ask "For whom the bell tolls" when you hear them calling us to celebration that day. There are many for whom this will not be a day of celebration but one in which their history and contribution to our lives will be forgotten or even worse, trivialized. There will be those for whom racism will still be a daily part of their life. Many will wake up to poverty again and as a society, it will also be day in which many will bear the scars of domestic violence again.

We should celebrate what we say Canada stands for but we must also stand up and demand that Canada act on those beliefs for all.

In meditation, connect compassionately to our fellow beings in Canada knowing that none of us can be separate from each other.

For most of us, there is the "other" in our lives - the group we do not like; the people who upset us; the coworkers whom we don't respect and so on. In meditation, try to find compassion for these "others"


Oh Canada

You are the home of my body
Born here
Growing up in your bosom
Fed to believe in your wonders

A nation of good people
We say sorry
Treasure politeness
Speak of justice

You cared for me
Brought me joy and nature
Told me stories of gold rush
Fish, lumber and oil

You raised me on peace and justice
Sent our soldiers to far shores
To sustain safety and security
For peoples I did not know

But Oh Canada, you also lied to me
You did not tell me of the racism
The denial of humanity to our brethren
The hiding away of those who were first here

You did not tell me of the theft
From those who founded the fishing village
Or the lives lost building the railway
That took me to Toronto to see family

Why did you tell me of justice
When racism was so alive
Why do you tell me of opportunity
When only those like me could get it

Why did you deny the truth
Yelling for justice by sending peace keepers
When depriving our true founding peoples
Oh Canada who are you

You are both the country I so want
And the nation I so regret
Oh Canada celebrate
With the pathway of true justice

Oh Canada
Be of who is possible
Not who is easy
Make me uncomfortable

Toss to me the challenge of change
Make us all believe again
Show us that we deserve to celebrate
Oh Canada stand on guard for all of us

© Peter Choate 2017

Owning it!

I was sitting in a park recently when two kids had a spat. Their mother came over to intervene when one shouted that the other had mad her mad. How often have you heard that? In the current political environment, it would not be long before you can hear someone suggest that Trump (or some other politician) makes them so mad.

There are lots of reasons to be mad at Trump (and a load of other political, social and economic leaders). The point is, of course, that the anger is yours and mine. Other people do not own our emotional states - only we do. In society today, there seems to be a reduction in ownership for emotional states and the reactions connected to them.

“But feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.”  Anne Franke

Owning our own emotions matters as it is also a way to manage our ego. Ego is, in many real ways, the avoidance of our emotions as it is about believing that what we think we want is all that matters. We can see this in many kinds of relationships where there is a lack of mutuality. Think of the difference in the expressions - "I feel that some time with you over a cup of coffee" - versus - "have coffee with me I need to talk." One is owning what you would like and requesting it, the other is demanding because the ego wants it. This becomes very obvious in dominating, abusive relationships where the ego of one is that matters.

When the ego takes over, we detach from the emotional expression of self and the emotional needs of others. This is when how another is affected by your behaviour becomes unimportant or small. The role of the other person becomes not about what is good for them or even both of you, only what you want matters even at the expense of the other person. There becomes no choice between what the ego wants and what the other person feels or needs - the ego must always win out.

“The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.”  - John O'Donohue 

The ego out of control is the abuser in action.

When we allow ego to dominate, we lose sight of relationship, our place in the world and the obligation we have to own the impact we have on others. You may not agree with these statements but reflect upon the role of ego (I am right) versus the role of relationship (We both have needs):

• Don't you dare spend that money unless I've told you it's ok!
• If people want health care, get a job!
• The Indian Residential Schools don't matter - they occurred long ago, just get over it!
• Alcoholics are weak and they just need to stop drinking!
• You aren't working out hard enough because you don't have the abs!

I'm willing to bet that you can add a dozen more statements like this with ease. Not only does ego drive this thinking but so also is a lack of compassion. It is very hard to care for another if your belief is that what you need is all that matters.

Meditation is a place to nurture compassion and come to realize that all you do is linked to outcomes for others. When its "all about me" then it is "not about the other".  Can you feel that in meditation and own it?

"The square root of I is I" - Nabokov 

The ego of one or the place of compassion amongst many?

Mine

Walking amongst the Jasmine
I smell the perfume
It brings treasured memories
The aroma is mine

I place my face into the blossom
Breathe deeply
Hold the essence in my nostrils
It is all mine

Walking away I take it with me
Reminiscing about past connections
Surely I can hold on to this
And share it with no-one


 © Peter Choate 2017

Attacked.....traumatized....hopeful

First responders, social workers and health care professionals get into their occupations to make a positive difference in the lives of people, families, communities and society at large. For each one of them, there will be magical moments when the dream happens - a child's life is better; a rescue occurs; a life saved. It is then that the choice of profession makes the most sense.

There are also times when the opposite happens. Given the nature of the work, it is impossible to avoid tragic, traumatic moments. The good outcomes are remembered, retold and celebrated. The bad ones haunt, creeping into dreams, waking in the middle of the night or suddenly felt when one event brings back the unforgettable images of a past one.

These polar opposites sandwich many very ordinary experiences that just don't seem to be great or terrible.

Every profession has some people who should not be there - the police officer with racist thoughts; the paramedic who no longer cares; the social worker for whom the alcoholic parent is not worth the effort --- but, they are very much the minority even though they are typically the ones that will make headlines. The vast majority in these profession go to work each day with the hope of doing good. Thus, when they get attacked the harm is that much greater - the social worker who did all they knew how to do but a child died; the ER nurse who sat with the family whose member died; the police officer attending a fatal event.

What are we to do with the attacks that come from people who just don't get the work or who were called out because of their own behaviours and then choose to seek some kind of revenge. Their goal is malevolent maliciousness as they cannot hold on to being self responsible.

It is the success cases that cause people to enter the work and stay there. As a society, it is vital to support those who do good work but who face tragedy as well as those maligned. These are hard jobs. We hear of the fire fighters in London who now comb through the remains of Grenfell Tower looking for bodies; the police officers who responded to the attacks on London Bridge; the police officers responding near Calgary to the armed robbery; the child protection worker who must face a child tonight and tell them they are leaving the family home or the shelter worker who will find the dead client. If society wants these jobs done, society must support those who do them and watch carefully when attacks occur.

These people also work in systems.  Will the electorate be prepared to insist on change so that oppression, racism, misogyny and so on can be challenged?

So then how does meditation work into this? I sat listening to a worker who spoke of a colleague's suicide; of a foster parent speaking about valiant efforts to make a difference in the lives of children coming into the home; of an Aboriginal elder speaking of the burden of racism and trauma. All require healing through prayer, ceremony, peer support and self care practices such as meditation. To be good at the work over time, requires that we know ourselves, our strengths and our vulnerabilities. We must also be able to spot when our internal resources are waning. Here too meditation can help as we come to know the size of our coping container and try to keep it healthy.

The truth I know

Dawn came but the sun did not rise
Fog in my head hid it away
Birds sang in the morning light
The song could not be heard
The melody off key to the ears

That smell, unmistakable, but why here
looking for the maggots
They always came with the stench
Eerily leading to the site of death
No maggots, no death, no stench
Just the shards of them in my brain

Not leaving is that having been seen
The trail of each occasion on top of the other
The litter of damage left by the ones
The ones whose tragedy lives within them
Tolerated only by rage
Tossed to others when within explodes

Love has been lost
Tenderness furiously hoped for
Despondently denied with only ranting frenzy left
Loneliness the escort to the wrath felt daily
Feeling righteous justice sought
Never won as your world appreciated by only you

The barrier to reprieve locked away
Fury, hate and revenge having become
The only companions who will walk with you
Compassion offered but imperceptible
Now beyond reach appealing no more
Trauma owns all that you are, unless

Reprieve is there for you
Caress its image, let the ghosts fade
Even with trepidation take the step
Forfeit the guilt, relinquish the shame
The sacrifice is over let blessing arrive
What has been done yielded to joy lying dormant

© Peter Choate, 2017   

Life as a witness

I have been a member of a child intervention panel for some months now. Today, in our meetings we had an opportunity to interact directly with people who have been involved in child protection. This is not new territory for me as I have been working with people whose children have been apprehended by child protection workers for many years. Indeed, I have been a social worker since 1975. A long time!

Yet, the reality of what people survive continues to impact me. Today I heard amazing stories of trauma, survival, coping and resilience.  People whose childhoods were marked by abandonment, neglect, abuse, assault - and yet also survival, coping and recovery. These have been stories of the incredible pain that some inflict on others.  The bravery of coming to a complete stranger and telling of the trauma inflicted in childhood is amazing. I am in awe of the capacity of the people I met today to reach in and tell. I am honoured to have been trusted with the stories.

I am a witness.  This is needed. To tell a story of these magnitudes, the audience must be wiling to listen, otherwise there is only the pain of telling. Instead, what we offer is validation that says not only are you believed but also respected for being the human who survives.

There is no end to the pain that some inflict on others. Witnesses are essential. Giving space for the telling of truth matters. This is what we do as social workers. To be a witness requires that we also engage in self care. Meditation is such an opportunity. I cannot be a witness otherwise. When a women tells you of sexual assault; another speaks of alcohol as medication to take away the pain of neglect and abuse; when another speaks of a child lost and yet another talks about the broken self that exists after sexual assault. Witnesses must be strong in order to stand beside the survivors and give them true opportunity to know they speak their truth.

In meditation, I must find my truth. I must allow the pain of others to not be my pain while acknowledging that their truth exists and I am changed by it. I, like so many others, are drawn to social work because of our own painful journeys. Meditation is a place to know that pain within me while also seeing my recovery, resilience and fragility. I am a flawed self as also are the people I heard today. In meditation, there is space for both they and I.

To be known

I saw your eyes
the pain within
covered by the smile

You told me
of the abuse
As tears snuck out

Kleenex sought
Eyes diverted
The downward stare

We sat closely
I could hear the breath
Held to stop the crying

Loss spoken about
life once known
But now denied

It is within your cells
and mixed
the moment when we were both one

Walking away
My back turned
You will never leave me

Yet we will never again meet
Having left the intersection
But paths crossed

Your strength
and weakness cohabitants
Teaching me

© Peter Choate 2017