Alone on the edge

The Catholic monk, Thomas Merton gave powerful lessons on being with oneself. In his book, No Man is an Island Merton stated:

“The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people. But the man who learns, in solitude and recollection, to be at peace with his own loneliness, and to prefer its reality to the illusion of merely natural companionship, comes to know the invisible companionship of God. Such a one is alone with God in all places, and he alone truly enjoys the companionship of other men, because he loves them in God in Whom their presence is not tiresome, and because of Whom his own love for them can never know satiety.”

The important lesson from this instruction is the need for us to find a comfortable relationship with the self. If we cannot come to know who we are really, then we cannot love ourselves as we lack a knowledge of self. Then we end up with some fantasy of who we are and fall in love or not, with the fantasy. The fantasy can be positive (I'm ok; I'm pretty good; I'm great), negative (I'll never be any good; I'm a loser; I always fail) or disordered (I'm the best and everyone else is below me). A true relationship with the real self sees the balance of positive, negative facets while accepting that is the nature of the true self. We just are.

Which means that we can find some wonderful places within as well as some quite scary places. In my own meditation today, I felt the scary places and could feel them in waves. There is the temptation to run, deny or tremor within. Instead, observing and discovering that scary is only one place and that it is not permanent allows fear to be tolerated. Strength is within the fear.

Like the butterfly in this picture, we can flit around and not settle or we can land and be where we are.

 I had been here before

It was a meadow

On either side the mountains

In front the forest and behind the lake

I was alone

Or so I thought but fear was with me

It stared out onto the landscape 

And saw only the fears

It was irrational I knew

I was not alone

I was with my fear, my inadequacies, self doubt and disbelief

Each was exerting a force towards an edge

I dared not approach

Yet there I was

I was alone

As fear was an external force which I could not control

It came in waves which I could hear moment by moment

Believing they were about to envelope me

And push me further to the edge

I was alone

In the most terrifying moment

Naked, raw and vulnerable

Defenceless

I was not alone

Around me, surrounding me was the universe

To which I was connected

And could not be otherwise

I was not alone

But I also had to be alone

Knowing I was safe in the only relationship I could control

I was alone but I was with myself

© Peter Choate, 2016

Change, change, change

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change" - Carl Rogers

Curious indeed. Here we are wanting a different life but desperately clinging to the one we have. I can't imaging that there are many people who have not tried to change something only to slide back into old behaviours quickly. Most of us will identify with wanting to exercise more, lose weight, eat better, sleep more, oh - and meditate more.

Carl Rogers helps us to see that change comes from acceptance of who we are now, not from a dream of what we might be. When we chase the dream, we are running from ourselves. Change is accomplished in small steps linked to the belief that, at our core, we are a good, worthy, lovable person or at least there is something in us that is.

When we do not want to accept it, we flit around like the butterfly. The love that allows us to change is the one we find from within. In essence, when we are alone we come to understand ourselves, we come to know what we feel and we come to know what is possible in the moment. It is there, in the moment, that change happens. When we are alone with ourselves, we are also with the most complex relationship we have in our lives. So change comes with what we can handle - just what is in this moment.

We fear change as it is seen by us as determining the pathway up Mount Everest.  Rather, switch the perspective to the words of Lao Tzu in the Tao te Ching "A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." We, as humans, tend to complicate change to all or nothing which defeats us.

Our meditation can help us be here with the step me must take now.

There was the slight whiff of change in the wind

The aroma in the air had a new perfume

It was sweet and subtle

The light hinted at change as the hue shifted darker

The humidity grew

It clung to my skin like a drape

The soil below my feet

Crunched with each step

Dust rose up from the dry

The trees drooped and shed 

As the ground below

Could not satisfy the thirst at the roots

The change could be felt

in the distance as a far away light burst

Whose sound was nothing more than a firecracker

My skin began to ooze moisture

The sky hang heavier and darker

But burst with flashes of excitement

The change was here

The ground opened up

The air was alive

Then as though impossible

As though under a shower

The sky ushered in the monsoon

Could the change be held

Would the gift be received

Or would it be shed away

© Peter Choate, 2016