Alone on the edge

The Catholic monk, Thomas Merton gave powerful lessons on being with oneself. In his book, No Man is an Island Merton stated:

“The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people. But the man who learns, in solitude and recollection, to be at peace with his own loneliness, and to prefer its reality to the illusion of merely natural companionship, comes to know the invisible companionship of God. Such a one is alone with God in all places, and he alone truly enjoys the companionship of other men, because he loves them in God in Whom their presence is not tiresome, and because of Whom his own love for them can never know satiety.”

The important lesson from this instruction is the need for us to find a comfortable relationship with the self. If we cannot come to know who we are really, then we cannot love ourselves as we lack a knowledge of self. Then we end up with some fantasy of who we are and fall in love or not, with the fantasy. The fantasy can be positive (I'm ok; I'm pretty good; I'm great), negative (I'll never be any good; I'm a loser; I always fail) or disordered (I'm the best and everyone else is below me). A true relationship with the real self sees the balance of positive, negative facets while accepting that is the nature of the true self. We just are.

Which means that we can find some wonderful places within as well as some quite scary places. In my own meditation today, I felt the scary places and could feel them in waves. There is the temptation to run, deny or tremor within. Instead, observing and discovering that scary is only one place and that it is not permanent allows fear to be tolerated. Strength is within the fear.

Like the butterfly in this picture, we can flit around and not settle or we can land and be where we are.

 I had been here before

It was a meadow

On either side the mountains

In front the forest and behind the lake

I was alone

Or so I thought but fear was with me

It stared out onto the landscape 

And saw only the fears

It was irrational I knew

I was not alone

I was with my fear, my inadequacies, self doubt and disbelief

Each was exerting a force towards an edge

I dared not approach

Yet there I was

I was alone

As fear was an external force which I could not control

It came in waves which I could hear moment by moment

Believing they were about to envelope me

And push me further to the edge

I was alone

In the most terrifying moment

Naked, raw and vulnerable

Defenceless

I was not alone

Around me, surrounding me was the universe

To which I was connected

And could not be otherwise

I was not alone

But I also had to be alone

Knowing I was safe in the only relationship I could control

I was alone but I was with myself

© Peter Choate, 2016