Grief - one of the emotions that tie all humanity together. It is a universal reality. Some approach it as a natural experience that must be travelled but it is a journey that has a multitude of other emotions with it. Some will get stuck in it for awhile while others may struggle for lengthy periods. Grief changes us. It is because grief is attached to loss.
How we respond to grief is not necessarily related to the nature of the loss, It is the size of it or the duration. It is a very personal experience. How we see the loss matters. Grief interacts with the nature and meaning of the event, our own personality and emotional state, the circumstance in which it occurs and the change in our identity. Each of these is complex with many subsets. For example, the context might consider loss of home and community but also the degree of supports that are available that are seen as meaningful.
I think one of the most challenging aspects of grief is when we have a significant change in identity that is hard to accept. This might be loss of a role (a child dies so there is loss of identity as a parent); a job is lost (no longer able to have the role of provider) and partner leaves (no longer in a relationship) and so on. Identity is core to how we see ourselves.
Changes in identity that are thrust upon us and are not accompanied by a meaningful adaptation can be amongst the most difficult. Think of roles that are definitional to your being. These are often public identities but they are the identities where we so see ourselves that we struggle to see ourselves otherwise.
These losses leave holes in us that are like a vacuum sucking out the sense of just who we are.
Change in identity is part of life. We go from a child to an adolescent to an adult and on through the lifespan. We gain friends, lose them over time. We move from job to another. We have children who then grow. Friends and relatives die. Who we are is always changing. Identity is impermanent but we so cling to many. We cannot make identity any more permanent than any other element of the universe. But in our society we are so rewarded for various identities that we struggle to see ourselves otherwise. Thinking of all forms of identity as transient is accepting of the true nature of existence. Like the flowers from season to season - everything will come and go.
I think one of the most challenging aspects of grief is when we have a significant change in identity that is hard to accept. This might be loss of a role (a child dies so there is loss of identity as a parent); a job is lost (no longer able to have the role of provider) and partner leaves (no longer in a relationship) and so on. Identity is core to how we see ourselves.
Changes in identity that are thrust upon us and are not accompanied by a meaningful adaptation can be amongst the most difficult. Think of roles that are definitional to your being. These are often public identities but they are the identities where we so see ourselves that we struggle to see ourselves otherwise.
These losses leave holes in us that are like a vacuum sucking out the sense of just who we are.
Change in identity is part of life. We go from a child to an adolescent to an adult and on through the lifespan. We gain friends, lose them over time. We move from job to another. We have children who then grow. Friends and relatives die. Who we are is always changing. Identity is impermanent but we so cling to many. We cannot make identity any more permanent than any other element of the universe. But in our society we are so rewarded for various identities that we struggle to see ourselves otherwise. Thinking of all forms of identity as transient is accepting of the true nature of existence. Like the flowers from season to season - everything will come and go.
Each step resonated with my life story
I had been here many times
I was powerful, respected and admired
My ego had walked along
Prominent as the bell tower
And worn as a badge to be noticed
Now as I walked the same path
I did not recognize it
Ego was no longer with me
As a blazoned emblem
Instead it was humble
Hiding in the background
The bell tower no longer tolled
The pathway was new
It was to be discovered
In its stillness lay a new joy
Humility was now my companion
I was now a stranger in a new land
© Peter Choate, 2016
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