When we think of emotions, we often think of the "big" emotions that dominate our thoughts on a regular basis - anger, sadness, joy, disappointment, frustration and so on. We see and feel these emotions in that "big" way - "I am very angry with..." "If I buy this thing I will be happy." "I'm very sad right now." These are all true statements but they miss the margins of what we are feeling.
Emotion at any given time is not just one emotion. Rather, it is a set of emotions that often have one at the very top which we focus upon. From that position, we build our reaction patterns - typically very quickly. What we tend to miss is the set of emotions below that "top" emotion and, particularly the emotions at the margins.
When we express one of the big emotions, step back and look at what else is going on. Under the anger, is there fear, disappointment or grief. But what happens if we go further and look under the second level of feelings? Do we find betrayals from childhood, for example? Or do we find a sense of self disappointment where we believe we have not lived up to our own expectations? Our real learning comes with the emotions at the margins.
For each of us, there are many emotions at the margins that are like the silent features of a computer's operating system. The computer needs them to function but we are not aware of them. They can be necessary and helpful. But like the computer, there may be malware of viruses that harm. Some of the emotions at the margin operate in the same way. By making friends with them, we begin to see what may be really underlying what we are doing in a given situation.
In meditation, grab one of the "big" emotions you last experienced and then sit with it. Just observe. See what you find under the top and then start to look around the margins. Get to know. Look for beauty there and not just concerning emotions - you may be surprised with what we find there. Look also for self compassion there which tend to get lost when the big emotional experiences occur.
Emotion at any given time is not just one emotion. Rather, it is a set of emotions that often have one at the very top which we focus upon. From that position, we build our reaction patterns - typically very quickly. What we tend to miss is the set of emotions below that "top" emotion and, particularly the emotions at the margins.
When we express one of the big emotions, step back and look at what else is going on. Under the anger, is there fear, disappointment or grief. But what happens if we go further and look under the second level of feelings? Do we find betrayals from childhood, for example? Or do we find a sense of self disappointment where we believe we have not lived up to our own expectations? Our real learning comes with the emotions at the margins.
For each of us, there are many emotions at the margins that are like the silent features of a computer's operating system. The computer needs them to function but we are not aware of them. They can be necessary and helpful. But like the computer, there may be malware of viruses that harm. Some of the emotions at the margin operate in the same way. By making friends with them, we begin to see what may be really underlying what we are doing in a given situation.
In meditation, grab one of the "big" emotions you last experienced and then sit with it. Just observe. See what you find under the top and then start to look around the margins. Get to know. Look for beauty there and not just concerning emotions - you may be surprised with what we find there. Look also for self compassion there which tend to get lost when the big emotional experiences occur.
What is growing at the margins of our emotions?
I can hear the voice
It is so quiet
I seek to dismiss it
It is like a tiny itch
I can feel it
But want it to go away
Subtly it grows
As I pay some attention
But wanting it to go away
There is something familiar about it
A sense I have heard it before
Yet not really
As I pay attention
I become intrigued
But there is a louder voice
Now I want to hear the quiet voice
I strain
The loud voce is all to familiar
I listen more intently
The quiet voice begins
I hear thoughts I have not considered
The loud voice demands
But is far too familiar
I need to the quiet voice
© Peter Choate, 2016
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