When we have been bullied, betrayed, abused, abandoned and denied, the thought of revenge is pretty common. Who amongst us has not thought about ways to get even or get back? Many of us may have even done it. It seems a natural reaction.
Yet, stepping back we often see that the revenge made things worse - it typically does. This is because revenge is the externalization of our emotions. The hope is resolution will be found there. It is not. The resolution is found within.
The thinking of, planning and acting out revenge each bring the toxicity deeper into our emotional and physical being. We are the ones who suffer in revenge. The compassionate position is to look inside and see the hurt while supporting the truth of the self. Aggression against us is a reflection of the emotional disturbance of the aggressor. Flailing back accomplishes little as the aggressor must learn to look inside to see the pain that leads to the aggression.
The relationship with self requires we be compassionate to the self. Feel the pain and observe it without owning the cause of it. Let it be. This can be very hard to do at times. These hurts, often very hidden, eat at us and can be hard to talk about. Self compassion and not revenge may not feel right as some confuse not engaging in revenge as a form of giving permission. It is not. It is about living differently from the aggressor.
To seek revenge, retribution is to throw oneself into the current hoping to avoid the rocks or to be drowned. The seeking of revenge is to become your oppressor.
This is not a mere idle, philosophical discussion. There is some much aggression in our society, much of it condoned, that an internal examination of compassion is needed for our own emotional health.
Meditation and mindfulness are about finding ways to look inside, observe the hurt, know that it will be impermanent, let it pass as opposed to becoming attached to it, and open up for other emotions to begin also passing through.
Yet, stepping back we often see that the revenge made things worse - it typically does. This is because revenge is the externalization of our emotions. The hope is resolution will be found there. It is not. The resolution is found within.
The thinking of, planning and acting out revenge each bring the toxicity deeper into our emotional and physical being. We are the ones who suffer in revenge. The compassionate position is to look inside and see the hurt while supporting the truth of the self. Aggression against us is a reflection of the emotional disturbance of the aggressor. Flailing back accomplishes little as the aggressor must learn to look inside to see the pain that leads to the aggression.
The relationship with self requires we be compassionate to the self. Feel the pain and observe it without owning the cause of it. Let it be. This can be very hard to do at times. These hurts, often very hidden, eat at us and can be hard to talk about. Self compassion and not revenge may not feel right as some confuse not engaging in revenge as a form of giving permission. It is not. It is about living differently from the aggressor.
The best revenge is to be unlike him who performs the injury - Marcus Aurelius
To seek revenge, retribution is to throw oneself into the current hoping to avoid the rocks or to be drowned. The seeking of revenge is to become your oppressor.
This is not a mere idle, philosophical discussion. There is some much aggression in our society, much of it condoned, that an internal examination of compassion is needed for our own emotional health.
To be angry is to revenge the faults of others on ourselves - Alexander Pope
Meditation and mindfulness are about finding ways to look inside, observe the hurt, know that it will be impermanent, let it pass as opposed to becoming attached to it, and open up for other emotions to begin also passing through.
I have carried the hurt with me
Over these many years
The pain is available whenever I choose to touch it
Yet the pain comes without invitation
Creeping up without notice
It comes from a touch, a smell, a sound, an image
I live with the pain
It is a life companion
It accompanies joy, sadness, hope, grief and even love
It overwhelms at times
It dominates like an oppressive power
It demands to be in control and fill me with self doubt
But then I hear the voice
It is tiny and soft
It is persistent
I try to hear it but the pain takes over
That voice will not be dismissed
It insists on presence
I have learned to focus upon the voice
It believes in me
It does not doubt me like I doubt myself
The voice is love
It stays with me
Can I love it
For to love it
requires
I love myself
The voice is compassion
Acceptance
Love
© Peter Choate, 2016
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