The Rage Within

For most of us, we don't think of rage as a typical part of our emotional repertoire. We might acknowledge giving the finger to a driver who has cut us off, uttering a nasty, sarcastic comment to someone who has been rude or muttering vicious words under our breath when offended. But outright rage - nope not us. Particularly not those of us who meditate - you know, us calm ones.

Yet rage is a true part of most of us. It finds its roots in childhood typically. This can be the result of harsh experiences such as abuse, maltreatment or neglect. It might find origins in rejection by peers or a failure on our own part to figure out the intricacies of social relationships. Premature death of a loved one or loss of a mentor or a pet can act as sources when we feel such grief to have been the result of injustice.

Others might find rage develop in adult life as a result of marital losses, job or career disappointments or economic upheaval.

Rage can develop when oppression has surrounded our life pathways. Individuals or groups who have been subject to racism, for example, have undergone systemic oppression that has touched the fabric of their existence. For them, justice has been consistently absent in their lives.

We have seen collective rage in the attacks of ISIS; the verbal brutality of recent election campaigns; of racist rants and notices posted upon places of worship. There has been a growth in legislative action that marginalizes women, poor, minorities and those of various sexual orientations. Victims of crimes such as assault, rape, theft, burglary, fraud (to name a few) may well experience rage.

Some rage is expressed directly to a person or group - we have seen much of that in the news recently. Rage can be less conspicuous such as seen in subtle racism where services are diminished , denied or blocked through bureaucratic niceties.

Public discourse now has more extremes rather than thoughtful, nuanced discussion where various sides of an issue seek to understand each other.

My proposal is that rage has increasingly become more present, more accepted and thus more permissible.

We pay a price for increased rage in our communities and relationships. Understanding vanishes; listening is closed down; meanness is given license and compromise and collaboration are devalued. Since the only one we can truly know is ourselves (as we are the only being we can fully access should we seek to do so), then meditation is the point of finding the rage within and coming to honour its existence. The question for the self might be not so much why the rage but rather how can it be accepted as a true part of the self without giving it harmful voice. By knowing it, giving it a narrative that is both honest and compassionate, rage can be a teacher of where some of our deepest hurts lie within. From there comes acceptance and forgiveness disarming the rage.

Our society needs more of this. By giving the compassion and understanding to self, we can begin to give it to others. We can choose what we put into the world - is rage our gift? Meditate upon the emotion within and let the sun set on its power but still accept its presence.

Rage Born

Acquaintance with the strap
Came early
Not as victim
First just as witness
Obey and you will not meet
Rules sublime and obscure
Obvious offences there for sure
These were not feared
Transgressions of the unknown
Terrifying
Leading to the flying leather
Targeting the hand
Just below the fingers
Delivering burning pain
What charge had led to the conviction
Where be the judge and jury
Bearing witness to the guilt
No defence possible
Only sentencing of whatever
The jailor decides
Rage incited in the child
Growing with each punishment
Held in but real
When to be expressed
Surely it must
For the toxin
Cannot be contained

© Peter Choate, 2017   

Grief and Identity

Grief - one of the emotions that tie all humanity together. It is a universal reality. Some approach it as a natural experience that must be travelled but it is a journey that has a multitude of other emotions with it. Some will get stuck in it for awhile while others may struggle for lengthy periods. Grief changes us. It is because grief is attached to loss.

How we respond to grief is not necessarily related to the nature of the loss,   It is the size of it or the duration. It is a very personal experience. How we see the loss matters.  Grief interacts with the nature and meaning of the event, our own personality and emotional state, the circumstance in which it occurs and the change in our identity. Each of these is complex with many subsets. For example, the context might consider loss of home and community but also the degree of supports that are available that are seen as meaningful.

I think one of the most challenging aspects of grief is when we have a significant change in identity that is hard to accept. This might be loss of a role (a child dies so there is loss of identity as a parent); a job is lost (no longer able to have the role of provider) and partner leaves (no longer in a relationship) and so on. Identity is core to how we see ourselves.

Changes in identity that are thrust upon us and are not accompanied by a meaningful adaptation can be amongst the most difficult. Think of roles that are definitional to your being. These are often public identities but they are the identities where we so see ourselves that we struggle to see ourselves otherwise.

These losses leave holes in us that are like a vacuum sucking out the sense of just who we are.

Change in identity is part of life. We go from a child to an adolescent to an adult and on through the lifespan. We gain friends, lose them over time. We move from job to another.  We have children who then grow. Friends and relatives die. Who we are is always changing. Identity is impermanent but we so cling to many. We cannot make identity any more permanent than any other element of the universe. But in our society we are so rewarded for various identities that we struggle to see ourselves otherwise. Thinking of all forms of identity as transient is accepting of the true nature of existence.  Like the flowers from season to season - everything will come and go.

Each step resonated with my life story

I had been here many times

I was powerful, respected and admired

My ego had walked along 

Prominent as the bell tower

And worn as a badge to be noticed

Now as I walked the same path 

I did not recognize it

Ego was no longer with me

As a blazoned emblem 

Instead it was humble

Hiding in the background

The bell tower no longer tolled

The pathway was new

It was to be discovered

In its stillness lay a new joy

Humility was now my companion

I was now a stranger in a new land

© Peter Choate, 2016

Are we allowed to be satisfied with what is?

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment - Buddha

Consumerism, which is at the heart of so much human activity these days, drives us to be unhappy with the present moment. It tells us that there is always a better gadget, piece of clothing or car to be had. We are also being told constantly there is a better body to be had if only we do specific exercises, eat certain ways or get certain body modifications. In essence, the powerful theme of our society is to never be satisfied with what is.

We see this is many other ways - the need for a better job, higher salary, better house. But where do we talk about being accepting with who you are at this moment. It is as though that is not a permissible reality.

Underlying all of this is judgment - comparison between ourselves and others. The societal notion is that we are either better than or worse than - and it matters! There is constant misery in that. Inherent in the thinking is that we are never good enough.

If we enter that competition (and few of us have ever managed to not) self satisfaction is virtually impossible. There is always somebody smarter, better at, richer, more advanced, better educated and so on. It also means there can be no internal satisfaction if external comparisons are the way in which our worth is measured.  We will always be on the edge. Self compassion that accepts who we are allows us to jump in to acceptance.

This breath

This moment

Is all there is

Why do we search

For something that is not

© Peter Choate, 2016