The Rage Within

For most of us, we don't think of rage as a typical part of our emotional repertoire. We might acknowledge giving the finger to a driver who has cut us off, uttering a nasty, sarcastic comment to someone who has been rude or muttering vicious words under our breath when offended. But outright rage - nope not us. Particularly not those of us who meditate - you know, us calm ones.

Yet rage is a true part of most of us. It finds its roots in childhood typically. This can be the result of harsh experiences such as abuse, maltreatment or neglect. It might find origins in rejection by peers or a failure on our own part to figure out the intricacies of social relationships. Premature death of a loved one or loss of a mentor or a pet can act as sources when we feel such grief to have been the result of injustice.

Others might find rage develop in adult life as a result of marital losses, job or career disappointments or economic upheaval.

Rage can develop when oppression has surrounded our life pathways. Individuals or groups who have been subject to racism, for example, have undergone systemic oppression that has touched the fabric of their existence. For them, justice has been consistently absent in their lives.

We have seen collective rage in the attacks of ISIS; the verbal brutality of recent election campaigns; of racist rants and notices posted upon places of worship. There has been a growth in legislative action that marginalizes women, poor, minorities and those of various sexual orientations. Victims of crimes such as assault, rape, theft, burglary, fraud (to name a few) may well experience rage.

Some rage is expressed directly to a person or group - we have seen much of that in the news recently. Rage can be less conspicuous such as seen in subtle racism where services are diminished , denied or blocked through bureaucratic niceties.

Public discourse now has more extremes rather than thoughtful, nuanced discussion where various sides of an issue seek to understand each other.

My proposal is that rage has increasingly become more present, more accepted and thus more permissible.

We pay a price for increased rage in our communities and relationships. Understanding vanishes; listening is closed down; meanness is given license and compromise and collaboration are devalued. Since the only one we can truly know is ourselves (as we are the only being we can fully access should we seek to do so), then meditation is the point of finding the rage within and coming to honour its existence. The question for the self might be not so much why the rage but rather how can it be accepted as a true part of the self without giving it harmful voice. By knowing it, giving it a narrative that is both honest and compassionate, rage can be a teacher of where some of our deepest hurts lie within. From there comes acceptance and forgiveness disarming the rage.

Our society needs more of this. By giving the compassion and understanding to self, we can begin to give it to others. We can choose what we put into the world - is rage our gift? Meditate upon the emotion within and let the sun set on its power but still accept its presence.

Rage Born

Acquaintance with the strap
Came early
Not as victim
First just as witness
Obey and you will not meet
Rules sublime and obscure
Obvious offences there for sure
These were not feared
Transgressions of the unknown
Terrifying
Leading to the flying leather
Targeting the hand
Just below the fingers
Delivering burning pain
What charge had led to the conviction
Where be the judge and jury
Bearing witness to the guilt
No defence possible
Only sentencing of whatever
The jailor decides
Rage incited in the child
Growing with each punishment
Held in but real
When to be expressed
Surely it must
For the toxin
Cannot be contained

© Peter Choate, 2017   

Truth or dare!

We seem to be in a "truth" crisis. It seems impossible to turn on any form of media without some fact checking and media storm about a politician lying. Yet, lying politicians are not new - maybe now just more brazen. It's hard to miss the lying businesses, advertisements - indeed lies seem to be everywhere. The old game of truth or dare is turned around to I dare you to tell the truth.

One of the more challenging truths about truth is how much we lie to ourselves. We create family history that is unreliable, twisted in some way and, at times, fantasy that has no factual roots. We lie about our feelings because there is a depth to them we may not be ready to face.

What do you see? If I see it differently who is telling the truth?

There are many times we aim to tell the truth but memory has failed to accurately record what happened. Human memory is quite fallible. There is lots of psychological and neurological science to confirm that. Eye witness testimony is often thought of as the least reliable.

Part of why our recall is so prone to error is partly related to the emotional state we were in at the time - happy, angry, frightened, traumatized, depressed, joyous, distracted. It can also be affected by loyalties to self or others. Harsh truth may be hard to tell about someone to whom you have a strong connection or a sense that being faithful to their image or memory is necessary.

Many lies are quite deliberate; many just poor recall and some related to avoiding. Yet, how we think things are (our perceptions and memories) impact the choices that we make unless we are able to be in the moment, deciding then what must be done. It's a challenging task because so much behaviour is driven by latent memory, interpretation, beliefs and loyalties.

So how does meditation fit in? It is the time when we can allow ourselves to feel what is there - not interpret, not change, nor fabricate or alter - just be with what is - be with the truth. Even if only for a few minutes. Slowly it makes it easier to be non-reactive to the behaviours of others that in the past would create anger, jealousy, sadness or even happiness that is not linked to reality.

Truth

I promise to tell the truth, 
I swear the oath.
What is truth?
Will I ever know for sure?

the whole truth, 
Is this even possible?
The whole truth, is there partial truth?
When is it just a lie?

nothing but the truth.
Who knows the truth?
Do I?
Each memory called forth
contradicts the one before.

I swear to God.
My oath is a lie
I see the past so clearly
Yet it must be a fiction

Please state your name in  full.
I can do that
Is that really me?
Or is it just a character created at birth?

To know for sure I need the truth
But it is not there
Fragments, semblances, hints or pretence
Life is reality in half truths.

Blink away, what was there is no longer - was it true?

Which image will you remember?

Which will be true?

© Peter Choate 2017

How are you experienced by others

I think all of us have met the person whose presence is quiet yet powerful. They have a humility about themselves. They may have accomplished great things but yet these are not the things that define them. Rather, it is compassion, empathy, trust, kindness and a caring about the relationship they have with you - even if it is for only a brief conversation. I have been privileged to meet several such people.

Many years ago, I met a Canadian prime minister. I was a university student engaged with the university radio. This man was on campus to give a lecture and I asked for a few minutes of his time. We sat quietly and  chatted. I expressed an interest in a book he had written. A few weeks later, a signed copy arrived in the mail. What struck me was the lack of need to impress.

By comparison, I interviewed a well known media personality who couldn't help but tell me about his accomplishments - which were interesting - but that was his story line. The prime minister was as interested in me, the university and chatting about the issues of the day.

Which aspect of yourself should be shown, cared for, nurtured, managed differently?

There may be many reasons for the two sides of the high profile persona, but I use them as examples. The notion is who are we as seen by others? How do you imagine people experience you? What would you like them to say about interactions with you? These are not questions of ego but rather an internal consideration of your "footprint" with others. It requires taking time, as in meditation, to know yourself in an honest way.

All of us have self aspects that are not very attractive. Can we build a relationship with those characteristics so that, as they arise, we are familiar with them. This gives the opportunity to then use the presence of that feature differently. The aspect of self isn't going to disappear but we can respond consciously when we are intimate with the feature. Then we relate differently with others.

The Cop

He traversed the faint space

between life and death with that final breath.

Death was a companion

he had walked beside all his adult life.

It visited once before,

shot in the face as a rookie cop.

The bullet fragments roamed his head as though alive,

tweaking nerves to send pain striking.

His hearing impaired by the insult with that shot.

From then he knew of that faint space between life and death.

He crouched closely to it, smelled it, saw it, felt it,

but turned away with an irrevocable memory.

He had meaning,

being a cop mattered as he believed,

believed his actions changed the course of lives.

He died late in life,

as the cop who had never used his gun.

© Peter Choate, 2016

Silence is not for avoidance

In meditation we are told so often to seek silence - be comfortable with it. This allows you to manage your inner journey. Being silent with yourself is a way to get to know what is going on within. You understand your reactions, emotions, barriers and triggers through this sort of introspective presence. The opportunity to gain such insights is life changing. With this knowledge you can take control of reactions and help to alter habitual patterns. Of course, you must be open to seeing the muck within that is not pretty. But when you get honest with yourself, you know the muck is there, you have been reacting and managing it for years, and doing something different is desired, even if change is challenging. The good news, in meditation you see how change is occurring as reactive patterns will begin to look different and weaker.

Silence gets misunderstood though. It is not meant as a way to hold within things that need external managing. Depression, guilt, grief, being harmed or needing to assert for yourself are all examples. In meditation, we can get to know the realty of these experiences but then address the external needs - is there someone you must talk with; do you need therapy; do you need to change a relationship or leave a toxic one - and so on. Silence in meditation should not be confused with actions that just leave you disempowered or victimized.

Grief Interconnected

There is  no such thing 

as absence of grief

No life is untouched

It is as universal as the universe itself

Just as the sun and moon make themselves

known to every corner

So too grief slinks into every life 

It can sink us into an overwhelming ocean

or treat us with lightly recurring episodes

Like the gull that swoons down upon its prey

So how are we to deal with grief

from the presence on whom I think

I must adore

There is the mother so present within me

Even after she is gone

She lives within my DNA affecting every choice 

every response

I have this grief seeking to be abandoned

But whose own death is impossible

I understand my mother

through this ongoing grief

The web of love and grief present

unresolvable ironies

For which I seem to spend a life

trying to understand and resolve

© Peter Choate, 2016