Alone on the edge

The Catholic monk, Thomas Merton gave powerful lessons on being with oneself. In his book, No Man is an Island Merton stated:

“The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people. But the man who learns, in solitude and recollection, to be at peace with his own loneliness, and to prefer its reality to the illusion of merely natural companionship, comes to know the invisible companionship of God. Such a one is alone with God in all places, and he alone truly enjoys the companionship of other men, because he loves them in God in Whom their presence is not tiresome, and because of Whom his own love for them can never know satiety.”

The important lesson from this instruction is the need for us to find a comfortable relationship with the self. If we cannot come to know who we are really, then we cannot love ourselves as we lack a knowledge of self. Then we end up with some fantasy of who we are and fall in love or not, with the fantasy. The fantasy can be positive (I'm ok; I'm pretty good; I'm great), negative (I'll never be any good; I'm a loser; I always fail) or disordered (I'm the best and everyone else is below me). A true relationship with the real self sees the balance of positive, negative facets while accepting that is the nature of the true self. We just are.

Which means that we can find some wonderful places within as well as some quite scary places. In my own meditation today, I felt the scary places and could feel them in waves. There is the temptation to run, deny or tremor within. Instead, observing and discovering that scary is only one place and that it is not permanent allows fear to be tolerated. Strength is within the fear.

Like the butterfly in this picture, we can flit around and not settle or we can land and be where we are.

 I had been here before

It was a meadow

On either side the mountains

In front the forest and behind the lake

I was alone

Or so I thought but fear was with me

It stared out onto the landscape 

And saw only the fears

It was irrational I knew

I was not alone

I was with my fear, my inadequacies, self doubt and disbelief

Each was exerting a force towards an edge

I dared not approach

Yet there I was

I was alone

As fear was an external force which I could not control

It came in waves which I could hear moment by moment

Believing they were about to envelope me

And push me further to the edge

I was alone

In the most terrifying moment

Naked, raw and vulnerable

Defenceless

I was not alone

Around me, surrounding me was the universe

To which I was connected

And could not be otherwise

I was not alone

But I also had to be alone

Knowing I was safe in the only relationship I could control

I was alone but I was with myself

© Peter Choate, 2016

When the balance tips the wrong way

The spiritual literature, along with categories like self help, speak of gaining balance in life. Often you are told to find ways to ensure you look after self, family and work giving balance to the self family side with work on the other side. You may also be told to ensure the work side is even a little weaker. I have struggled unsuccessfully with this for years. Thus, finding some way to think of this topic for meditation in a non-guilt driven fashion has been a struggle for me.

I have been contemplating this frequently while travelling in India for the past several weeks. The photo below from Mahabalapuram just stands there. It's quite large as the herd of goats show. It is not anchored. It is, to say the least, well balanced.

What is balance? The real world gets into the way. There are bills to pay, obligations, events, expectations from others. It's a complex picture. But mix it with your self beliefs and expectations. Do you see yourself as having to satisfy others? Do the expectations and demands of others have priority over you? Do you believe that you are only permitted to give yourself priority after you have met the priorities of others? These questions speak directly to what we believe about ourselves. How much room we create for ourselves depends on the answers to questions like these.

When the agenda is driven by others, then we also have difficulty being present for ourselves. Indeed, believing that the "other" is always the priority is, by definition, denying self priority. Have you noticed that when you are not creating room to be present for self that you are moving through tasks without being present for others as well? Your focus is multi-tasking, managing, scheduling, juggling -  but it is not being present.

To me this is the greatest challenge of balance - being present for the one thing I am doing while also ensuring that my day includes scheduled time to be present for me through meditation. Ours is a society that increasingly does not reward being present - check the cell phone; check for emails; check for messages; check social media. It is a society of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). But what we are really missing out is ourselves. We are so busy checking out that we are not checking in.

Where am I?

I am there

and there

and there

But where am I?

I am with you

and you

and you

But truly where am I?

There is only one place

I can be 

Within

How do I find me?

To be just with me

Present for me

With my presence

What will happen to me?

I will get to know me

My fears, loves, joys, 

I will know my emotions

What will others think?

Of this I will need to let go

But I am so afraid

What will they think?

Will I find that out?

If I go looking

I lose my presence

and I will again lose myself

So the what shall I do?

Be present with you

Know yourself 

Love your true self

© Peter Choate 2016