As a human, love is one of the most essential emotions. We crave it even if we don't always succeed with it. It is the stuff of literature and music, although lately we seem to have love and sex rather confused. Love exists on many levels with the close intimacy of a partner and a deep connection to our children. We love siblings and close friends and there is even an argument that we love our pets. Certainly we see people truly grieving the loss of a pet.
In our current western society, we seem to have a sense of some types of love are lost or transitory. Divorce rates seem to suggest that we can fall into and out of love - some people seem to do it serially.
How we love as an adult is reflected in our childhood experiences of love. Solid healthy and reciprocal relationships with parents make it easier for us to do that as an adult. Chaotic childhood patterns tend to replicate in adulthood.
How do we cope with love lost, particularly when it is a loss we did not see coming. A child or partner dies suddenly? Disability hits? We become estranged from a loved one? These are all significant losses. Death losses create a loss that has a known conclusion. Disability, illness or estrangement create ongoing loss with no sense of how the story is going to end.
Loss and grief do not go away. Those that are ongoing require a daily adjustment. This is really so for those situations where we must face the loss constantly. Think of the caregiver looking after a disabled partner or the person who has become disabled and can no longer do the things that used to bring joy or even a sense of personal competence. Consider the family who has become estranged from a loved one - the daily wonder about how they are doing and whether there will ever be hope of meaningful reconnection.
The role of meditation is to be with the loss, not deny it, but know it within yourself. In an odd sort of way, it is about becoming friends with the emotion that will stay with you. This accepts the reality of it, its presence and opens up to the lessons that come from the pain. Through this, you can also enhance other parts of your life so that the story of loss does not become your only story. Having your life become a single story is a lonely place which is really terrifying.
In our current western society, we seem to have a sense of some types of love are lost or transitory. Divorce rates seem to suggest that we can fall into and out of love - some people seem to do it serially.
How we love as an adult is reflected in our childhood experiences of love. Solid healthy and reciprocal relationships with parents make it easier for us to do that as an adult. Chaotic childhood patterns tend to replicate in adulthood.
How do we cope with love lost, particularly when it is a loss we did not see coming. A child or partner dies suddenly? Disability hits? We become estranged from a loved one? These are all significant losses. Death losses create a loss that has a known conclusion. Disability, illness or estrangement create ongoing loss with no sense of how the story is going to end.
Loss and grief do not go away. Those that are ongoing require a daily adjustment. This is really so for those situations where we must face the loss constantly. Think of the caregiver looking after a disabled partner or the person who has become disabled and can no longer do the things that used to bring joy or even a sense of personal competence. Consider the family who has become estranged from a loved one - the daily wonder about how they are doing and whether there will ever be hope of meaningful reconnection.
The role of meditation is to be with the loss, not deny it, but know it within yourself. In an odd sort of way, it is about becoming friends with the emotion that will stay with you. This accepts the reality of it, its presence and opens up to the lessons that come from the pain. Through this, you can also enhance other parts of your life so that the story of loss does not become your only story. Having your life become a single story is a lonely place which is really terrifying.
Love
The place where my heart warms
It is where I find connection
A sense of meaning for being alive
Love
The emotion that reciprocates
Those that receive it
Offer it back to me
Love
It is where my humaness is most alive
Where I can tell that I have connection
And place in this world that matters to another
Love
It is also a place of pain
How can I love
When the other has walked away
Love
Where do I put you in my heart
When I long to be with you
But the other still alive no longer receives
Love
You confuse me
You offer such joy
Yet also offer such pain
Love
You are an emotion of
extreme
There is no holy way with you
It is one or the other
Love
You are unpredictable
You are essential
Without you there is nothing
Love
I can find you within me
It is not only the other
It can also be with myself
Love
I need the two
The other
And the self
Love
Who will join me at the table
It is for me to find
But not all holes can be filled
Love
There are some that sit
With only me tending
Accepting what is
© Peter Choate, 2016
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