Loss is a part of life. It is inevitable. When the word loss is used, most of us think of death of a loved one or close friend. In today's economy, we also see the material losses that turn into human tragedies as economic resources fade - family life becomes stretched, relationships become combative, depression seeps in, egos get bruised. There are a lot of these losses today.
We have also seen ongoing tragic losses with refugees streaming across borders in various parts of the world. They risk everything clinging to hope of a safe future.
A loss that is we should speak about is when families fracture. Divorce is one of the more common ways. Parents and children suffer the loss of the family unit. Children are often faced with figuring out divided loyalties that get more complicated when parents get new partners. Illness also fractures families. Dementias change people in ways that the one who was loved seems to have left with a new, more challenging person having emerged. Mental health, substance abuse and disability also change the relationships as again, a new version of the loved person comes to the fore.
As these changes occur, many families face the loss of connections. Many of these losses are very difficult for people to discuss. Being open feels shameful and even disloyal to the family member who is now at a distance. As a social worker, I have spoken with families about a member who is wandering the streets, they think, of some other city; unsure if the person is alive. Even those who have chosen to cut off a violent or mentally ill family member, talk of the constant loss - the empty feeling of someone they once loved who cannot be there any longer. They are faced with, what if? - what if things had not turned out this way? Could I have done something different?
When the cut off person has done something perceived as shameful, the family was muted- not able to talk about the deed openly nor how they might still love the person. I recall once meeting a family torn apart by the criminal activity of one member. Some said, no matter what has occurred, the person is still our family while others responded with despair that anyone they had once loved could so something as horrible as occurred.
What happens then when loss is so close that we feel it deeply in every part of our being but so uncontrollable that all you can do is feel it? What happens when, sitting in a coffee shop, a brief action by someone brings the loss flooding back and tears are all you have? What does it mean to open up the family photo album to see the person who will not be in future photos? What do you do when you reach into your own being and feel guilt about what you might have done? These are the questions of close loss of a living loved one and the pain that never really goes away. There is no end to the story.
Meditation is focused upon accepting the feelings that arise. Being honest with self so that you can both be with the pain but know the pain not as the end of self. Meditation makes it easier to form your thoughts, feelings and emotions around the loss as you come to truly know them. From this, being able to speak and journal begin to make more sense.
We have also seen ongoing tragic losses with refugees streaming across borders in various parts of the world. They risk everything clinging to hope of a safe future.
A loss that is we should speak about is when families fracture. Divorce is one of the more common ways. Parents and children suffer the loss of the family unit. Children are often faced with figuring out divided loyalties that get more complicated when parents get new partners. Illness also fractures families. Dementias change people in ways that the one who was loved seems to have left with a new, more challenging person having emerged. Mental health, substance abuse and disability also change the relationships as again, a new version of the loved person comes to the fore.
As these changes occur, many families face the loss of connections. Many of these losses are very difficult for people to discuss. Being open feels shameful and even disloyal to the family member who is now at a distance. As a social worker, I have spoken with families about a member who is wandering the streets, they think, of some other city; unsure if the person is alive. Even those who have chosen to cut off a violent or mentally ill family member, talk of the constant loss - the empty feeling of someone they once loved who cannot be there any longer. They are faced with, what if? - what if things had not turned out this way? Could I have done something different?
When the cut off person has done something perceived as shameful, the family was muted- not able to talk about the deed openly nor how they might still love the person. I recall once meeting a family torn apart by the criminal activity of one member. Some said, no matter what has occurred, the person is still our family while others responded with despair that anyone they had once loved could so something as horrible as occurred.
What happens then when loss is so close that we feel it deeply in every part of our being but so uncontrollable that all you can do is feel it? What happens when, sitting in a coffee shop, a brief action by someone brings the loss flooding back and tears are all you have? What does it mean to open up the family photo album to see the person who will not be in future photos? What do you do when you reach into your own being and feel guilt about what you might have done? These are the questions of close loss of a living loved one and the pain that never really goes away. There is no end to the story.
Meditation is focused upon accepting the feelings that arise. Being honest with self so that you can both be with the pain but know the pain not as the end of self. Meditation makes it easier to form your thoughts, feelings and emotions around the loss as you come to truly know them. From this, being able to speak and journal begin to make more sense.
To my lost loved one
Conceived in love
And when born
Universe exploded in light
The promise was great
The beauty expansive
The blow came unseen
Denied
But its impact was slowly
And unmistakably revealed
You began to face
The expansive beauty snuck out from time to time
Creating such joy
Between the roots of sadness that had overtaken
This virus ate its way
Through love, joy, compassion
Leaving just enough behind
To create hope
When the glorious moments erupt
Every effort is made to grasp them
They are real
But slip away taking hope like a prisoner
It takes nothing
For the pretence of hope to return
Alas it is a fantasy
Although it is better than defeat
How many more times
Shall I ride this train
Going always to the same place
The graveyard of hope
© Peter Choate, 2016
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