The curse of loneliness

I walk a lot. In my travels, I notice people who I see often - walking always by themselves. Some I notice come into some of my favourite coffee haunts. They sit by themselves slowly pouring over the daily paper or stare into space watching the minutes tick by.

Loneliness is a curse when it is the pervasive reality of life. Each of us can feel this way from time to time. Some of us avoid that feeling through constant business whether it is activity, watching TV or persistent social media involvement. Loneliness is a natural emotion that we all experience at various times. It might be when the children move out, your spouse is away, friends aren't around or even on days when life just feels a little distant.

For many, loneliness is a disease that comes particularly in the older years. Disconnection occurs as children move away, spouses pass on and friends die. Ours is a society in which new connections can be challenging. Have you noticed that, as loneliness creeps in, the ability to connect, get out there, diminishes?

What happens when we say hello to some of the people that we see by themselves often? It is an experiment I'm trying (well sort of an experiment). I've started saying hello to homeless, people along my walks and the ones that I see in the coffee shop alone. Most respond although a few look down or away.

In meditation, when we find that lonely spot within ourselves, we can have empathic connection with others living at the margins in some ways. Compassion for self is the source of empathy for others.

He accomplished nothing today,
as usual.
Nothing was his mundane ritual.
In it was sleep, oatmeal, bacon and bourbon.
Not typically in that order.

There was also the walk.
He brought his companion,
an old Nikon DSLR bought in the 90s.
Each day pictures were taken with
no audience other than himself.

At night over a few bourbons,
he looked over the photos,
or images as he preferred to call them.
He had stories for each of them
but no one to hear them.

Weekly he went to Ed's Groceteria,
for more oatmeal, bacon and bourbon.
Ed always stuck a Twinkie in the bag,
which was saved for Sunday dinner.

It was Ed who offered conversation,
once a week.
Ed was his company.
If he could say he had a friend,
it would be Ed.

One week and then the next,
he didn't come in for his chat with Ed.
He was dead, Ed was sure of it.
But Ed never new where he lived,
so there was no one to go find out.

Weeks later, over coffee and Bailey's.
Ed saw the story on the back page.
"Decaying body found"
Ed knew who it was.
"Jim McBain, Vietnam veteran,
found dead in his home."
Ah, that was his name.

Loneliness is a disease.
It had taken Jim, while infecting many.
Ed wondered about Jim's soul,
had it found a companion?
Ed pondered and poured a bourbon.

© Peter Choate, 2016

How are you experienced by others

I think all of us have met the person whose presence is quiet yet powerful. They have a humility about themselves. They may have accomplished great things but yet these are not the things that define them. Rather, it is compassion, empathy, trust, kindness and a caring about the relationship they have with you - even if it is for only a brief conversation. I have been privileged to meet several such people.

Many years ago, I met a Canadian prime minister. I was a university student engaged with the university radio. This man was on campus to give a lecture and I asked for a few minutes of his time. We sat quietly and  chatted. I expressed an interest in a book he had written. A few weeks later, a signed copy arrived in the mail. What struck me was the lack of need to impress.

By comparison, I interviewed a well known media personality who couldn't help but tell me about his accomplishments - which were interesting - but that was his story line. The prime minister was as interested in me, the university and chatting about the issues of the day.

Which aspect of yourself should be shown, cared for, nurtured, managed differently?

There may be many reasons for the two sides of the high profile persona, but I use them as examples. The notion is who are we as seen by others? How do you imagine people experience you? What would you like them to say about interactions with you? These are not questions of ego but rather an internal consideration of your "footprint" with others. It requires taking time, as in meditation, to know yourself in an honest way.

All of us have self aspects that are not very attractive. Can we build a relationship with those characteristics so that, as they arise, we are familiar with them. This gives the opportunity to then use the presence of that feature differently. The aspect of self isn't going to disappear but we can respond consciously when we are intimate with the feature. Then we relate differently with others.

The Cop

He traversed the faint space

between life and death with that final breath.

Death was a companion

he had walked beside all his adult life.

It visited once before,

shot in the face as a rookie cop.

The bullet fragments roamed his head as though alive,

tweaking nerves to send pain striking.

His hearing impaired by the insult with that shot.

From then he knew of that faint space between life and death.

He crouched closely to it, smelled it, saw it, felt it,

but turned away with an irrevocable memory.

He had meaning,

being a cop mattered as he believed,

believed his actions changed the course of lives.

He died late in life,

as the cop who had never used his gun.

© Peter Choate, 2016

The effect of suicide on health and social work practitioners

A death by suicide is hard on those left behind. That's been said multiple times with a focus on family and friends. What about those who have worked with the person in places like addiction centers and mental health clinics? What about the child protection worker who has lost a child to suicide on their caseload? 

For those who had worked with the now deceased, there is true mourning. None of us have gone into this work with the idea that suicide would be the outcome on a case - we knew intellectually that it would happen, but we are not truly ready for it. Even those who have had several suicides on their caseloads (and some of us work in areas where that is highly probable) that doesn't make it easier. Unfortunately, in the higher risk areas, we can try to normalize suicide as an unfortunate outcome that sometimes happens. In doing so, we minimize the outcome on our own humanity.

Vicarious trauma in our work is real! It is cumulative as well as episodic. We think we are getting over it, we numb, we minimize, we deny. Suicide is one of those outcomes where we can also begin to ask, "Is there something I might have done?" Typically, the answer is no, but the question is often there.

Compassion and empathy are needed for the self in these cases. This is more than the typical self care stuff - although that is important - this is about the permission for true grieving of a suicide by a client. You too have the right to feel loss and grief - certainly its different than family or close friends - but it is valid.

In meditation, the goal here is to face the reality of your emotions, being present and  observe them. This does not meaning that you get stuck in them, but rather observe, acknowledged and listen to the internal dialogue. In this same process, you may acknowledge fears but don't miss observing your humanity and your strength. We are a balance of emotions and realities that all deserve our self compassion and empathy as do our clients. 

Gone

Life is gone

at the end of the rope

it has vacated this earth

I would know how

but never why

there was no note

no explanation

He had tricked us

he smiled

played

joined in

said the gloom was lifting

The morning came

he was not up

he had not gone to bed

the search was fruitless

he had run away

again 

Evening he was found

at the end of the rope

death was certain

more than he had gone

wind bellowed 

through the hole

now within my inner being

His pain has now shrivelled

mine has exploded

I stare at the rope

I feel the strands

Grab the knot

and do the only thing possible

I collapse pounding the floor

asking to rewrite history

My life has gone black

© Peter Choate, 2016

What is there to give thanks about

Those who work in mental health, child protection, addictions, domestic violence, all know that holiday periods can be stressful for families. Here in Canada we have just had our Thanksgiving day. But for many parts of Canada, there are also economic hardships which are straining personal and family situations. There may not be much of a feeling in some areas around the idea of Thanksgiving.

Commercialization of holidays adds to the strain. Holidays are also times when disconnects from families are poignantly felt - loneliness, heartache, separation are powerful emotional realities. For those with mental health issues of all kinds, these are periods where remaining connected is an important part of getting through. So too is sticking with our care plans.

What is there to give thanks about? For far too many, that is a very difficult question. Those in grief may find it heightens in celebratory times.

As I stood in the grocery store the other day, I saw around me people buying turkeys, flowers and other needs to make the special meal. You could see the plans for bringing family and friends together. There was the anticipation of joy.  Earlier in the day, I was in a mall where gifts were being bought.

As I stood in one store, I was struck by the cultural cross section of people I saw before me. These were the faces that represented who we are as a country. How do people from other cultures make sense of what is really a Canadian and American event? How do they make meaning of an event that is also deeply rooted in the Protestant reformation movement? There are some other traditions that connect to early settlers. How does it relate to First Nations, immigrants and those of non-Christian faiths? It is to understand that Thanksgiving is really about thanking the earth for the harvest and the ability to feed ourselves and those around us. The roots may come from various traditions but it is about being thankful.

Thus, in meditation, we contemplate the notion of seeing what we can be grateful for - where might there be gratitude for us? What connections do we have that offer us pathways to being thankful? It very much needs to be about what comes from within which we find in meditation.

The Buddha once said you could search the whole world and not find anyone more deserving of your love and compassion than yourself  - Christina Feldman

 Thanksgiving is about love and compassion whichever way you choose to celebrate or enjoy the day.


Reaching In
                Out
                Across

Finding Connection
              Life
              Reason

Being Myself
           Compassionate
           Committed

Honest Emotion
            Identity
            Relations

Having Gratitude
             Thanks
              Joy

© Peter Choate, 2016