On being human

As we start the new year of 2017, many have made a variety of resolutions - the vast majority of which we will fail to keep. That's part of being human. We don't make changes easily. We develop patterns in our lives with which we get comfortable, even when that outcome is not what we wish.

I experienced that this morning going out for breakfast with family. I saw the delicious pain raisin, croissants, muffins - they were yelling out to me. So saying no was tough but I had another choice which also pleased me. Therein lies an important issue - we need an agreeable choice to replace the behaviours which we are trying to stop.

Being content with where you are while also being connected is about being at peace with your humanity

Many years ago, a psychiatrist I worked with in the ER, observed, "People change their behaviours when the cost of change becomes less than the cost of the status quo." Such a insightful comment!

Part of the challenge with change is we, as a member of our society, have been trained to avoid uncomfortable experiences, which  change brings us. Instead, there is a drink, drug, food or exercise for that. Thus, pain is to be avoided. Being human is about feeling all of our experiences ranging from highly enjoyable through to highly unenjoyable. In a society where everything is meant yo be fun, it also makes it harder to reach out for support.

We are also getting lots of messages that if there is pain, it must be somebody else's fault. We see less acceptance of taking ownership of painful or difficult realities. Being human means that things will go wrong and we are often the main or partial author of the difficulties.

Buddha tells us that pain is a normal part of our existence and is a universal truth. If you look at other religious or spiritual traditions, you see similar messages. Thus, we need to come face to face with that truth which means pain is inevitable, whether we are the author or not therefore being less important. Whether we caused the pain or another person did, it is still pain and it must still be accepted and a way to move forward must still be found. As anyone in recovery from addictions will tell you, escape was not a solution but a false trap which brought more pain.

For example, in grief arising from the death of a close friend or relative, we truly never forget, but we adapt. Some grief takes longer to accept but we never "get over it".

Use meditation to feel, accept, know yourself and become familiar with your pain. Become its closest acquaintance and don't fight its existence. Become a warrior for your own truth with the confidence that you can live effectively today and that living with pain and still being content is possible - it takes acceptance and seeing, in meditation, that your life is not just about the pain. It is about being
human.

Human

The pain arrived
slowly
seeping into my existence
making its presence known
deliberately

In time its presence
rancorous
tugging at my soul
as a poison with intent
malicious

Its face in mine
provoking
like a gauntlet tossed at me
vexatiously

This pain is my truth
wholly
It is for me to accept
unequivocally

This reality is unchangeable
definitive
My response is mine
exclusively

It is my humanity

© Peter Choate 2017

When pain stays

As we approach the holiday season, there are gestures of kindness that seem to be missing at other times of the year. People gather as families for celebrations; church goers congregate for worship; stores and malls dress up while homes are often adorned with lights sparkling in the night. For many, holidays are times of joy, reconnection and times of remembrance about life priorities. Music, both seasonal and religious, can be heard in most public places.

The season is also one of loneliness and despair for millions of people carrying the burdens of pain and traumas experienced along their journey. A special dinner will be at a shelter if such a dinner is to be had. It will often be served by those who assuage their need to be seen as "giving" and who appear with children to volunteer. This is not to diminish the value of their time. To the contrary, for sure. For those receiving, they will know that tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow (to borrow a phrase from Shakespeare) will be the continuance of their pain. 

Yet, we need not single out those struggling in less fortunate situations - many with means hide from heir traumas during holiday celebrations putting on faces and costumes of deceit. Resources can aid their personal process - services that less fortunate struggle to find.

As a society, we have entered an intersection we have been at many times, although this time it feels rather acute. Politicians sowing seeds of hatred, division and dominance; refugees flooding the world at levels not seen for decades; economic uncertainty arising from Brexit and Trump; disempowered escalating their voices through ballot boxes and protests. 

For the weakest in our societies, the mere act of survival demands so much energy that worry about public policy and international relations is far beyond their realities. As Syria is showing us, they can also be the most affected. 

Here in Canada, as we have been thinking of the results of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission Calls to Action, we have heard much discourse and little change. Intergenerational trauma in Indigenous Canadians remains largely unaddressed by society at large. Large numbers of Canadians are not even really aware of the depth of individual and collective trauma still sits in Indigenous peoples from the Colonization that occurred across this land. We can never know the depth of pain in others but we can be open to its truth and presence - and we can listen to the story which must be told.

In meditation, this is an urgent time to reflect upon peace, change and our personal role in society. We may be one drop in the ocean. Giving up, detaching or believing that change is not possible is really not an option. To do so is to increasingly hand power to those lacking in foresight for a better word or see the future in greed. Meditation connects to personal accountability for what we place into the world. 

Sarah

The pinnacle of copulation achieved

He pulled away, still dripping

Grabbed the edge of the bed

Avoiding a drunken fall

She lay still absent of pleasure

Her expression fixed with agony

As though stuck in the moment 

Now feeling unwanted sobriety

Such was the moment of conception

Unplanned, unwanted

By two souls whose connection was never sought

never again to meet

Nine months and five days passed

Sarah arrived greeted by maternal misery

A burden carried through

Alcoholic regret

No dreams of future

No plans for arrival 

A life of uncertain place

But Sarah's life still so

Conceived in pain

Born in loss

Nurtured in despair

Sarah learned to exist

So soon she entered her mother's path

A pothole filled gravel road without destination

Upon which travel was lonely and meaningless

Offering but a few hopeless way stations

Destiny offered no hope

So why this life, why this Sarah?

A flawed gift of the Creator

Could surely not be the answer

Regardless 

She carries within her

The hard truth of the moment

When entry to this world was demanded

What voice, what power

Could so insist that she must come

Upon this planet 

From a moment so loveless

© Peter Choate, 2016