Divide and Fail

I have been thinking a great deal about the role that stigma plays in the daily lives of so many people. Stigma is a way in which we "other" people - in other words, you don't belong because of (fill in the blank). Some might see it as "us" and "everyone else".

I see stigma operating in a number of ways, but some that have been the focus of my meditation lately include:

• acting as a platform to not give services - this might seem contradictory, but if you can classify people by problem, then you can limit what services become available to them. 
• acting as a way to keep a group out of the mainstream - in Canada, we have certainly seen this with First Nations peoples who have been framed as "less than" in a myriad of ways.
• as a way to isolate - you belong over there not here. Over there is non-inclusive and isolating.
• affirming differences in a way that makes those differences lacking in value - black, gay, trans, Muslim, etc etc - These are differences that are very powerful as they define the person in a way that ensures they can never belong - they will always be "other".
• asserting power over groups by using membership criteria to determine who belongs where - those with power use such definitions as a way to hold on to power. A good example is seen in human rights movements - those for whom human rights are being demanded require that the power structures be prepared to share or diminish their hold on power.
• access to power structures - who you are defined to be reflect which doors to power will be available to you.
• controlling the definition of correct - when you meet the criteria then you are "good" person but otherwise you are "bad", "deficient", "unworthy", "pitied".
• mechanisms to create internal senses of deficiency - for the person who is part of the "other" they internalize the sense of inferiority. Stigma reinforces shame and guilt acting as way in which the person solidifies the stigma within. They become their own oppressor.
• defining diversity - this word is used a lot - seeking diversity; creating diversity; ensuring diversity. Think carefully and you recognize the inherent stigma - diverse from what? The answer is, diverse from the dominant group - who does not give up dominance but rather agrees to share some piece of it (think of the "token" person). This permits the power structures a "free pass" because they argue inclusiveness by the presence of a "diverse" person.

I am sure that, as you read this, many more examples come to mind. Certainly, the politics and language of stigma appear to be gaining greater permission to openly express and behave in ways that support division. Why, however, does this matter to meditation?

In meditation, we seek to know and understand the self. What is that we hold onto? How do our thoughts interfere with right action? What belief structures exist within us that sustain the "othering" of people? How do our thoughts and actions support power structures of oppression?

We also come to know that most of us possess patterns that are stigma oriented - both as a stigmatizer and as a stigmatized. Meditation opens up how we feel as being "othered" and even ways in which we seek revenge or getting people to know how they have hurt us.

When we allow division, we fail. Selfishness, ego, anger, domination and other similar emotional states must take charge - as "othering" requires that we dislike, hate, demean. "Othering" cannot be found in love, care, inclusion, for example. Meditation is peaceful searching for our truth which can include states of being, ways of knowing that are not right thinking or right behaving. It is the search for acceptance of both self and others. Thus, when we see things to be critical of, it is the state of that human being that must be understood with efforts not to diminish but to help for truth to be seen. Success is not creating another divide by claiming that the lack of right action should exclude the person - rather, how do we include?

These are some of the most difficult emotions I find in meditation. For they reflect self and intersection with the ways of those also in the world with me.

The fear of I

The greatest fear is

What lies within

Born of childhood and

generational patterns

Raised to be white

To be shown this is right

Not to question

Learning to obey the rituals

The enclave of belonging

Comes from being white

Defending the border

So our territory stood

Cross not the line

Separating us from them

Know your place

Avoid contamination

A good Catholic boy

Taught the lessons of Christ

Growing as a believer

Fighting the contradictions

How could love be restricted 

Only to those who looked like me

While all others were savages

And heathens to be converted

The clergy spoke of success

Bringing many into the life of God

Letting go of their sinful pasts

But never seen in my parish

Marching for civil rights

Obscured the confusion 

Of Bible and Church

Without including the others

Conscience could be calmed

Guilt assuaged

By clamouring for change

In places not here

These patterns so soundly built

As cement set for a lifetime

Not to be questioned

Only to be dressed in finery

The earthquake explodes

Structures collapse

Beliefs not longer valid

From simply knowing the other

Humanity opens itself

To a sweeping truth 

Not of difference but 

Of similarity 

Now this is seen

So why as white so oft hated

When change is sought

Is escape possible from the patterns of power

The template of childhood

Does not go away

The privilege of behaviour

Rests with self knowing

As the search goes on

Inside views are murky and scary 

The lanes and streets already walked

Littered with the detritus of division

Can the pilgrim

Walk the journey

No longer unpalatable to the other

Still knowing the claim to white is perpetual

© Peter Choate, 2017

Truth or dare!

We seem to be in a "truth" crisis. It seems impossible to turn on any form of media without some fact checking and media storm about a politician lying. Yet, lying politicians are not new - maybe now just more brazen. It's hard to miss the lying businesses, advertisements - indeed lies seem to be everywhere. The old game of truth or dare is turned around to I dare you to tell the truth.

One of the more challenging truths about truth is how much we lie to ourselves. We create family history that is unreliable, twisted in some way and, at times, fantasy that has no factual roots. We lie about our feelings because there is a depth to them we may not be ready to face.

What do you see? If I see it differently who is telling the truth?

There are many times we aim to tell the truth but memory has failed to accurately record what happened. Human memory is quite fallible. There is lots of psychological and neurological science to confirm that. Eye witness testimony is often thought of as the least reliable.

Part of why our recall is so prone to error is partly related to the emotional state we were in at the time - happy, angry, frightened, traumatized, depressed, joyous, distracted. It can also be affected by loyalties to self or others. Harsh truth may be hard to tell about someone to whom you have a strong connection or a sense that being faithful to their image or memory is necessary.

Many lies are quite deliberate; many just poor recall and some related to avoiding. Yet, how we think things are (our perceptions and memories) impact the choices that we make unless we are able to be in the moment, deciding then what must be done. It's a challenging task because so much behaviour is driven by latent memory, interpretation, beliefs and loyalties.

So how does meditation fit in? It is the time when we can allow ourselves to feel what is there - not interpret, not change, nor fabricate or alter - just be with what is - be with the truth. Even if only for a few minutes. Slowly it makes it easier to be non-reactive to the behaviours of others that in the past would create anger, jealousy, sadness or even happiness that is not linked to reality.

Truth

I promise to tell the truth, 
I swear the oath.
What is truth?
Will I ever know for sure?

the whole truth, 
Is this even possible?
The whole truth, is there partial truth?
When is it just a lie?

nothing but the truth.
Who knows the truth?
Do I?
Each memory called forth
contradicts the one before.

I swear to God.
My oath is a lie
I see the past so clearly
Yet it must be a fiction

Please state your name in  full.
I can do that
Is that really me?
Or is it just a character created at birth?

To know for sure I need the truth
But it is not there
Fragments, semblances, hints or pretence
Life is reality in half truths.

Blink away, what was there is no longer - was it true?

Which image will you remember?

Which will be true?

© Peter Choate 2017

On being human

As we start the new year of 2017, many have made a variety of resolutions - the vast majority of which we will fail to keep. That's part of being human. We don't make changes easily. We develop patterns in our lives with which we get comfortable, even when that outcome is not what we wish.

I experienced that this morning going out for breakfast with family. I saw the delicious pain raisin, croissants, muffins - they were yelling out to me. So saying no was tough but I had another choice which also pleased me. Therein lies an important issue - we need an agreeable choice to replace the behaviours which we are trying to stop.

Being content with where you are while also being connected is about being at peace with your humanity

Many years ago, a psychiatrist I worked with in the ER, observed, "People change their behaviours when the cost of change becomes less than the cost of the status quo." Such a insightful comment!

Part of the challenge with change is we, as a member of our society, have been trained to avoid uncomfortable experiences, which  change brings us. Instead, there is a drink, drug, food or exercise for that. Thus, pain is to be avoided. Being human is about feeling all of our experiences ranging from highly enjoyable through to highly unenjoyable. In a society where everything is meant yo be fun, it also makes it harder to reach out for support.

We are also getting lots of messages that if there is pain, it must be somebody else's fault. We see less acceptance of taking ownership of painful or difficult realities. Being human means that things will go wrong and we are often the main or partial author of the difficulties.

Buddha tells us that pain is a normal part of our existence and is a universal truth. If you look at other religious or spiritual traditions, you see similar messages. Thus, we need to come face to face with that truth which means pain is inevitable, whether we are the author or not therefore being less important. Whether we caused the pain or another person did, it is still pain and it must still be accepted and a way to move forward must still be found. As anyone in recovery from addictions will tell you, escape was not a solution but a false trap which brought more pain.

For example, in grief arising from the death of a close friend or relative, we truly never forget, but we adapt. Some grief takes longer to accept but we never "get over it".

Use meditation to feel, accept, know yourself and become familiar with your pain. Become its closest acquaintance and don't fight its existence. Become a warrior for your own truth with the confidence that you can live effectively today and that living with pain and still being content is possible - it takes acceptance and seeing, in meditation, that your life is not just about the pain. It is about being
human.

Human

The pain arrived
slowly
seeping into my existence
making its presence known
deliberately

In time its presence
rancorous
tugging at my soul
as a poison with intent
malicious

Its face in mine
provoking
like a gauntlet tossed at me
vexatiously

This pain is my truth
wholly
It is for me to accept
unequivocally

This reality is unchangeable
definitive
My response is mine
exclusively

It is my humanity

© Peter Choate 2017

Peace on Earth

Holiday seasons tend to bring out messages of hope for human betterment.  For example, in the Christmas traditions, we often hear such phrases as Peace on Earth. What fascinates me is the ability to search on platforms like Google and you will find millions - in fact over 60 million quotes about messages of peace. Clearly this is something as human beings that we want collectively.

At the same time, we know that day to day grudges, desires, egos and even survival needs get in the way of peace. One can hardly look for a moment at the images coming out of Syria and see that peace is nowhere to be found there. One can also look at the terrorist attacks that have occurred over the past year and know that fear exists in a way that makes peace hard to gain.

Any casual perusal of news reports show story after story of murder, assault, domestic violence, child abuse, suicide self harm. Politics increasingly speaks of story lines intended to divide and enhance anger, hatred and fear of those who are not like "us". It creates a fear of anyone or any group who are the "other".

When looked at carefully, religions and spiritual traditions do not talk of hatred or divide - they talk of love, honour and respect. Peace is a common message. Much violence today, and historically, has been done in the name of one religion or another. Such actions are a betrayal of the core messages of spirituality, regardless of tradition.

As we approach the Christian tradition of Christmas, perhaps this is a moment to reflect on how we personally, contribute to peace. Are we careful with our words? Are we respectful with our behaviours? Does the greater good matter to us even if that will cause personal pain or difficulty? Are we willing to listen and try to understand the "other"? Sure peace can be thought of in large scale, geo-political terms but it is also rooted in our decisions about what to do, think and support. Sometimes it means we need the strength to step away from popular rhetoric.

Meditation permits opportunity to reflect on our contributions to the world. We get to know where our actions and beliefs are connected. We get to understand what motivates us. In meditation we see our own reflection. I quite like a comment from the American Christian pastor Eugene Peterson where he notes that life may not turn out as we want it to, but it turns out as it is supposed to. That is an interesting focus for a meditation.

Clarity

Sitting by the river
Alone
Feeling the wind
Gently crossing my eyeballs
Making them water

It's cold
Frozen chunks of ice
Try grabbing at the passing water
Inching the icy hold
On the river

A lone duck
Paddles against the flow
A seagull lands nearby
For a moment the two together
Without connection beyond presence

In the distance
The sun slides on the edge of day
Casting the last of its papaya colour
With darkness at the door waiting

The temperature drops
The cold wraps around my face
Ice pellets form on my beard
The urge to move arises

In this place on my own
I am not lonely
Life sounds, smells and visions
Are there if attended

As I prepare to leave
This quiet neighbourhood
An owl hoots
An eagle lands across the way

Lonely is a state of mind
From lack of connection
Imposed by the self
Or those who steal options away

Here alone I am full of company
I have clarity
Of where I belong
Peacefully in this universe

© Peter Choate, 2016

When pain stays

As we approach the holiday season, there are gestures of kindness that seem to be missing at other times of the year. People gather as families for celebrations; church goers congregate for worship; stores and malls dress up while homes are often adorned with lights sparkling in the night. For many, holidays are times of joy, reconnection and times of remembrance about life priorities. Music, both seasonal and religious, can be heard in most public places.

The season is also one of loneliness and despair for millions of people carrying the burdens of pain and traumas experienced along their journey. A special dinner will be at a shelter if such a dinner is to be had. It will often be served by those who assuage their need to be seen as "giving" and who appear with children to volunteer. This is not to diminish the value of their time. To the contrary, for sure. For those receiving, they will know that tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow (to borrow a phrase from Shakespeare) will be the continuance of their pain. 

Yet, we need not single out those struggling in less fortunate situations - many with means hide from heir traumas during holiday celebrations putting on faces and costumes of deceit. Resources can aid their personal process - services that less fortunate struggle to find.

As a society, we have entered an intersection we have been at many times, although this time it feels rather acute. Politicians sowing seeds of hatred, division and dominance; refugees flooding the world at levels not seen for decades; economic uncertainty arising from Brexit and Trump; disempowered escalating their voices through ballot boxes and protests. 

For the weakest in our societies, the mere act of survival demands so much energy that worry about public policy and international relations is far beyond their realities. As Syria is showing us, they can also be the most affected. 

Here in Canada, as we have been thinking of the results of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission Calls to Action, we have heard much discourse and little change. Intergenerational trauma in Indigenous Canadians remains largely unaddressed by society at large. Large numbers of Canadians are not even really aware of the depth of individual and collective trauma still sits in Indigenous peoples from the Colonization that occurred across this land. We can never know the depth of pain in others but we can be open to its truth and presence - and we can listen to the story which must be told.

In meditation, this is an urgent time to reflect upon peace, change and our personal role in society. We may be one drop in the ocean. Giving up, detaching or believing that change is not possible is really not an option. To do so is to increasingly hand power to those lacking in foresight for a better word or see the future in greed. Meditation connects to personal accountability for what we place into the world. 

Sarah

The pinnacle of copulation achieved

He pulled away, still dripping

Grabbed the edge of the bed

Avoiding a drunken fall

She lay still absent of pleasure

Her expression fixed with agony

As though stuck in the moment 

Now feeling unwanted sobriety

Such was the moment of conception

Unplanned, unwanted

By two souls whose connection was never sought

never again to meet

Nine months and five days passed

Sarah arrived greeted by maternal misery

A burden carried through

Alcoholic regret

No dreams of future

No plans for arrival 

A life of uncertain place

But Sarah's life still so

Conceived in pain

Born in loss

Nurtured in despair

Sarah learned to exist

So soon she entered her mother's path

A pothole filled gravel road without destination

Upon which travel was lonely and meaningless

Offering but a few hopeless way stations

Destiny offered no hope

So why this life, why this Sarah?

A flawed gift of the Creator

Could surely not be the answer

Regardless 

She carries within her

The hard truth of the moment

When entry to this world was demanded

What voice, what power

Could so insist that she must come

Upon this planet 

From a moment so loveless

© Peter Choate, 2016