The American writer Pauline Boss has done a magnificent job in advancing the notion of ambiguous loss. Think of this very pertinent example here in Canada. The Murdered and Missing Indigenous Women. Imagine you are the parent, brother, sister of one of these missing women. You have a real loss - she is not in your life. But the loss is ambiguous - you may likely think of her as dead but, without proof, you are not sure - she could be alive.
Many of us have ambiguous losses. Another perhaps pertinent example are the people who have been laid off from the petroleum industry who are losing homes, livelihoods, resources. They did nothing wrong. They went to work one day and were told it was over. They know they, any many others have lost employment but also have the hope that somehow, there will be a new opportunity for them.
We need to be honest about the struggle. I love the quote from Viktor Frankl when he says that "An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour." To not feel sadness in these unresolved ambiguous losses is abnormal.
Boss also explains that there is no such thing as closure. It is perfectly typical to continue to feel grief about a loss for years after it occurs. What is not typical is ongoing obsessive grief about a loss. We need permission from within and from others to feel grief.
Some losses may be shared experiences either because culturally groups grieve together or the loss affects many people. Sometimes it is both. I was in south India recently. People still spoke of the tsunami this hit in 2004. I was in the area before and after the tsunami. I have stood on a street in Pondicherry where many lives were lost. Indeed, there is a video of people standing on the street moments before the tsunami arrived. Most of those people are dead. Their loss, along with the loss of livelihoods, homes, infrastructure are all still felt. At the same time, life goes on and the communities have found new ways to manage, although some still suffer deeply.
Think also of the families of the Malaysia airways loss - there is no body for a funeral or other ceremony.
Identity is another form of ambiguous loss. Forced migration as is taking place in Syria causes a loss of identity through place and community. Retirement causes loss of identity through occupational role. Divorce causes loss of family position while also having to sustain connection when children are involved.
In meditation, we can grieve our losses while finding a place for acceptance of them. We find acceptance of the middle position - it could be this or might be that - either however is the loss. Meditation is observing and allowing the truth of your feelings.
Many of us have ambiguous losses. Another perhaps pertinent example are the people who have been laid off from the petroleum industry who are losing homes, livelihoods, resources. They did nothing wrong. They went to work one day and were told it was over. They know they, any many others have lost employment but also have the hope that somehow, there will be a new opportunity for them.
We need to be honest about the struggle. I love the quote from Viktor Frankl when he says that "An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behaviour." To not feel sadness in these unresolved ambiguous losses is abnormal.
Boss also explains that there is no such thing as closure. It is perfectly typical to continue to feel grief about a loss for years after it occurs. What is not typical is ongoing obsessive grief about a loss. We need permission from within and from others to feel grief.
Some losses may be shared experiences either because culturally groups grieve together or the loss affects many people. Sometimes it is both. I was in south India recently. People still spoke of the tsunami this hit in 2004. I was in the area before and after the tsunami. I have stood on a street in Pondicherry where many lives were lost. Indeed, there is a video of people standing on the street moments before the tsunami arrived. Most of those people are dead. Their loss, along with the loss of livelihoods, homes, infrastructure are all still felt. At the same time, life goes on and the communities have found new ways to manage, although some still suffer deeply.
Think also of the families of the Malaysia airways loss - there is no body for a funeral or other ceremony.
Identity is another form of ambiguous loss. Forced migration as is taking place in Syria causes a loss of identity through place and community. Retirement causes loss of identity through occupational role. Divorce causes loss of family position while also having to sustain connection when children are involved.
In meditation, we can grieve our losses while finding a place for acceptance of them. We find acceptance of the middle position - it could be this or might be that - either however is the loss. Meditation is observing and allowing the truth of your feelings.
I sit on the edge
between the river and the forest
it is the point of divide
It is like grief
on one side is what was
and on the other what could be
What was is still there
what could be is just out there
grasping for one while holding to the other
It is being in two places
while being in neither
the middle of neither win nor lose
They say let go
and to grasp the new
but is it I that holds onto the old
I am like the forest and the river
ever flowing
ever changing
I cling to what I know
I hold to the pathway long walked
it is fear held onto
The fear comes from where I have been
it sneaks in and grabs hold
the same story gets told time and again
The story haunts
I crash into it in my dreams
I hear its ghost in my days
Who owns our trauma
when the loss is ambiguous
it's like holding onto warm jelly
Is it true
is it false
will I ever know
© Peter Choate, 2016
